My Arms are Half Empty... My Glass is Half Full

Alive.

2010-12-04T23:59:00.002-06:00

I'm here and alive. Gregory is still not, so I continue to remember and miss him. I'm happy as can be raising my gorgeous girl, but do feel guilty for not blogging. I often have topics and thoughts I want to post, but the time and energy for it slips away.

Even if I don't post often, I should be a better blog friend. I apologize for not following everyone as closely as I would like. I think about you often.

I don't know why, but sometimes I can't handle the sadness. I visited babycenter for the first time in quite a while and clicked on my "2nd/3rd trimester loss board," and couldn't even read any posts. I noticed the titles of brand new posts of brand new losses and broken hearts. My stomach started to turn, and I couldn't even continue to read. It's like I don't have enough energy to deal with the strength of emotions I know I will experience. I feel horribly guilty and selfish about this, because I have always wanted to offer support and help to people going through baby loss. But for some reason, my brain goes into protection mode and makes it easy for me to look away. I promise I care. But my heart was SO broken for SO long. Slowly over time it started to mend. My heart re-breaks a little each time I read about new losses or am faced with triggers and reminders about my own. So it is like I instinctively throw up a shield to protect it from shattering again. This shield provides me with the desire to stay away from the sad news.

There is no staying away from it entirely. And that isn't fair to people who may need help from me if I can offer it. And even if the heart pangs are few and far between... in the midst of smiles and laughter, I definitely can't escape my own sad story. And I don't want to. Smiles and laughter and pure joy are the connections I have to Gwen. And triggers and sad memories are my connections to Gregory. I would never choose to lose any connections to my beautiful babies, no matter what types of tears they produce.

Dedication

2010-06-14T01:14:00.003-05:00

I know I have mentioned in the past that the Share foundation is building an "Angel of Hope" memorial garden for parents to grieve the loss of their babies. My family graciously purchased a brick with Gregory's name and birth/death day on it which we will be able to find somewhere in the garden.

I just found out there is a dedication for the garden on Wednesday night. I work on Wednesday nights. All of them. Except for this week. Just about every other week I am bummed about something I am missing because I have to work in the evenings. But at this point in time, I am beaming. Of all the events that could happen to fall on the one Wednesday night I am free...this is the best I could ask for!

I don't have all the details yet, but I don't really care about them either. All that matters to me is that this week I get to spend an evening just remembering and honoring my first baby. I already have butterflies in my stomach and cannot wait to go and find his brick. =)

Officially un-done

2010-05-28T01:11:00.003-05:00

Thick Skin. I'm trying to grow some. After my last post about being officially "done" with this blog, I received lots of feedback from people who have said that reading my posts helps them through their pain. I have decided I will deal with people misinterpreting my words and being rude in order to keep posting. The alternative leaves me nowhere to write about my loss and takes away the possibility of it being read by those who need to read my story at this point in their lives.

And honestly, I'm not "done". I'm not done thinking about my baby boy. I'm not done wishing I could hold him. I'm not done crying and remembering. There are only so many things I get to do as Gregory's mommy and posting about his importance in my life is one of the big ones. I get to do so many things as Gwen's mommy that I am sad to not have blogging as Gregory's mommy part of my ritual anymore. I don't want anyone, especially any family or friends who read this, to assume that I'm over Gregory's chapter in my life just because I don't blog about sadness anymore. I am a lot of things...in love with my little girl, happy every day, appreciative beyond words. But I am not "done." Not with my dear Gregory. And I'm apparently not done having things to say about him either!

Officially done

2010-02-08T02:24:00.002-06:00

This is the last time I will clarify what I "meant" in a post, because a reader got something from my writing that I did not intend to be "got" if that makes sense.

My daughter will never feel like she is second best. When I said I am "supposed" to have a son, it is because I AM! I was pregnant with a son who I loved deeply, and halfway through my pregnancy he died. I do not mean that I am sad I have a girl because I would rather have a boy. That is certainly not the case. I'm pretty sure I said I would never trade my daughter for anything in the world, and I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade what I have now for Gregory instead, thank you very much for making me admit that. But as long as I am alive, I am missing out on time that I planned on spending with my son, which has nothing to do with my daughter.

In a perfect world, which does NOT exist, I would have both of my babies. I would have my beautiful girl and the son who I was MEANT to have also. I'm not saying that I wasn't meant to have Gwendolyn, because I feel I was, but I refuse to entertain the thought that Gregory was not "meant to be".

I'm not robbing my daughter of anything. She is and will continue to be one of the most adored and loved human beings on the planet. She will certainly know about Gregory. And what she will get out of his story is that her mother loves her children very deeply, NOT that I would prefer him over her.

The blog is no longer a place where I can feel comfortable posting how I feel. Not because how I feel is wrong, but because there is always someone out there who will misinterpret my words to mean something that I would NEVER dream of meaning. I am going to go back through all my emails to figure out who requested to continue following. If I don't add you when I make this private, email me again.

I'm sad that my decision to leave the blog public for those who are going through their fresh losses to read and use for support did not work out.

But balancing grief over a loss with the rest of life is hard enough. And the worst thing a deadbaby mama can hear, is that she is not being the best parent to her children. If Gwen ever has less than my best, then I fail in my LIFE goal. It doesn't seem healthy to let my words be taken the wrong way and upon response get the idea that I am failing already.

the good, the bad, the ugly

2010-02-02T20:43:00.002-06:00

the good. I have a daughter. She is beautiful. I've been "out of order" since Friday because I had some surgery and today was the first day I got to spend taking care of her and playing with her. It was a much needed day of smiles and snuggles. This little girl makes my heart melt a hundred times a day. She is doing lots of new and exciting things and is just a sweetheart. I love being her mom. THIS is the experience I've been wanting for so long.

the bad. I have a son. I don't get to be with him. I miss him. It seems like there have been lots of things lately that have worked to remind me of the sweet baby boy I'm missing. I threw a baby shower for a family member on Sunday. It went well. There were 6 pregnant women there and conversations about when people decided to have children and are planning to in the future. I can't help but wish I got to decide when to have my baby and that I had some say in how my future baby having will play out. The mommy to be got lots of wonderful gifts. Little boy clothes and sweet toys. Stuff I would have in my house if Gregory was alive. I'm jealous of people who are pregnant with boys. Soooooooo happy for them. But a tiny bit sad for myself. I wouldn't trade my precious girl for anything in the world, but I am SUPPOSED to have a boy. I may never get to raise a little boy, and that will be alright. I'm happy with my girl, but I wonder if this funky universe will continue to fill my immediate world with boy babies to love but who I don't get to keep! I think about Gregory every day, it isn't like this phenomenon is creating new, painful reminders for me, but I won't be able to stop myself from dreaming about what my own little boy would be like, especially with new examples to draw from.

the ugly. I had gall bladder surgery on Friday. I've been on drugs trying to recover and heal since then. I was supposed to call the doctor if the pain got worse rather than better and felt more internal. It looks like I'm making a phone call tomorrow. I'm having the same type of pain I had which caused me to get the surgery in the first place! I'm just really excited to hear about how my body failed me this time. Speaking of further failures from this lovely "temple" of mine, my PCOS is back in full force. I am not trying to get pregnant, of course. But it is not fun knowing that even if I wanted to, my cycles and ovaries are definitely still broken. Awesome.

I suck

2010-01-10T22:36:00.003-06:00

So, I have really wanted to blog for a long time now, but just haven't. I decided to make my blog private and then was trying to give people time to decide and let me know if they were going to follow. And in the process of waiting, I kind of let the blog slip away from me. I wish I could say it was because I was too busy being perfectly happy and wonderful. I think people who see me on a regular basis would guess that would be the reason. But it isn't. I have started several drafts for posts and then never completed them. I don't know why. It isn't that I think of Gregory any less. It isn't that I feel no need to honor him any longer. I have no idea what it is, other than I don't have a handle on my feelings.

Christmas came and went. I feel terribly guilty for not honoring Gregory in the ways I wanted. I wanted to have a stocking for him. Gwen didn't even have one hung. I wanted to buy him an ornament. Never happened. I wanted to blog about how different life is now that more time has gone by without him. I didn't. I'm hoping that what makes you a good mom to a dead baby is not the physical things you do for them. If the criteria is instead based on feelings, I am the dead baby mother of the year.

I miss that baby. I am amazed that I am still in tears over the loss of a baby who I spent such a short amount of time with. Not surprised, but amazed. I've been without him WAY more than I was with him, and yet I'm still torn up about it. And I miss all the things that should have been. Raising little miss Gwendolyn makes things so much better and so much worse at the same time. Much better because I smile every day and have an amazing girl to focus my energy on. Worse because just getting to know her and love her as a little human person, makes me realize what I really lost. I have thousands of pictures of Gwen. I love to take them and look at them and show them off. But there should be twice as many folders on my desktop. Pictures of Gregory's smiles and my family holding HIM and all of the fun first things HE is doing.

I would never give up my time with Gwen to go back in time, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. And that doesn't mean I don't realize what I am missing out on. A little boy full of life and love and laughter who should be having a first birthday party in just weeks.

There is no point to this post other than to verbalize that I suck. At blogging, at honoring my son, and at getting over the pain of loss. At a million other things as well, but those are the ones weighing heavily on my heart right now.

I think I've done a great job of fooling people. They see me happy. They see me loving my life. They don't see the whole other element of hurt that I still have inside me. Sometimes I don't even see it. But it is there. And at times it jumps out at me and takes over a big chunk of the joy. That has happened quite a bit lately.

I'm not going to get defensive and qualify these statements with "but I love my daughter..." and "she makes me so happy..." and "I appreciate having a living child...", because if you don't know that about me, you shouldn't be reading this. And I'm tired of feeling guilty. Guilty for crying about Gregory when I have a healthy little girl sleeping upstairs. And guilty for laughing with Gwen when I have a sweet little boy sleeping WAY upstairs.

I think I started to think of myself as getting more successful, but have since realized that isn't the case. Just because I have new students at the studio (random, I know) doesn't mean we have enough. And just because I finally got pregnant after trying for so long, it doesn't mean that the sting and pain of infertility ever went completely away. Just because I have a living baby doesn't mean that I don't still have a dead baby. And just because I am happy, it doesn't mean that I'm not also sad. =(

Comedy?

2009-12-04T00:26:00.002-06:00

Billy used to watch this cartoon in college and still tries to catch it when it is on. It is on in the background as I am typing this. I have no idea what the episode is about, but from what I gather... In return for something, the devil tells Bender (a robot) that he must give up his firstborn son. So Bender goes to his robot baby who is so happy to see him and kicks him into hell. Nice.

I know that the whole "give up your firstborn child" is just a phrase and is a common joke when referring to something of great importance. But who decided that was funny? I know that when people say this in front of me they don't LITERALLY mean it...or even realize that it feels like a stab in my face, but I am just wondering how in the heck the death of babies became fair game for comedy in the first place.

Private Blog

2009-12-04T00:20:00.003-06:00

For lots of reasons, I have decided to make my blog private. Please email me at holly.poss@gmail.com if you would like to still follow.

Honestly, I don't know how I would have made it through the last year without the support of all of my blog friends. I feel very connected to many of you, and would really love for you to continue following. I also know that there are people who read this and never comment. I am not shutting you out! If you would like to follow, let me know! If you know me IRL or not...if you found any value in reading my posts, I would like that to continue. But I feel this is necessary.

Gratitude

2009-11-27T00:36:00.003-06:00

I can't even believe my life. I have said those words when referring to the darkest and worst event I have ever been through. And now I say them when referring to the absolute best.

This won't be much of a post because I can't think of any way for me to accurately describe how much I appreciate happiness in my life again. I miss Gregory, I'm still so furious that I am without him. I hate that it seems like everyone has forgotten my baby boy. I was so proud to have my little girl with me today. It melts my heart to watch people hold her and love her. But I also feel like everyone misreads the joy on my face. I am smiling, I am laughing, but I am still broken. As amazing as little miss Gwendolyn is, she does not replace the baby who should be in my arms and home. I think the best way to explain is that the giant hole in my heart is NOT healed. It is still there. But the love I am experiencing with my baby girl every day warms up my heart and makes the whole less noticeable and less painful. That may sound cheesy, but such is my life.

My heart is aching for everyone who is still dealing with infertility. This is such a terrible time of year for those who long to experience holidays through a child's eyes. Watching everyone else enjoy their children, hearing new pregnancy announcements, and going home empty handed....it is so tough. I cried those tears. I longed for the day that I would be TAKING a baby home with me at the end of the day. And then I longed for the baby I should have been TAKING home with me. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate the fact that today...I celebrated. And I didn't cry. And I took pictures of a baby. And then I brought her home, because she is all mine!

I hate so much that Gregory cannot be here with all of us, but I am wondering if my yearning for him has made me this new obnoxiously appreciative mother. I know it has made me a better person in some ways (worse in others), but I can't remember a time in my life when I have EVER been beaming with this much thankfulness.

I love my babies. And every time I am sad that I can't kiss my first, I will just have to convert that energy into kissing my second twice as much.

Thank you, all blog friends. Anyone who still reads this, and anyone who has ever thought about my broken heart, and whoever the heck is responsible for bringing me happiness again, through the most beautiful face. Thank you.

Dear Anonymous,

2009-11-22T22:36:00.002-06:00

Regarding a response to my last post...

Dear Anonymous,

Why would you say that you were "not trying to make me feel bad" when there would, in fact, be no purpose for your post but to make me feel bad? You mentioned that my writing brought you to tears. Did you forget that my entire entry was about my own tears shed for this situation? I think your response would be warranted and accepted if I were not emotionally distraught over this loss. It was not an easy decision for me to make, and I sobbed on the phone with every shelter who told me he could not be taken in or able to be adopted out. I appreciate that you think locking my dog in a crate or outside to keep him away from my daughter for the next several years is a healthy way to live, but it is an unacceptable way to operate, in my opinion.

You are entitled to your opinion and judgment. This is a public blog, after all. But it is an outlet for my pain and a place where I vent about the things that make me sad, this being a huge one. I'm going to try to not let your response bother me too much, but for future reference, when you read that someone is sad over a loss and the details include all the things I wrote about in my post, consider choosing not to respond your disgust at what the author is already torn up about. Nothing in your post was anything I had not already considered, of course, and so all it did was make me more sad. You KNEW it would, and that was the intent, which I don't appreciate, especially considering the irony of your claim that you were NOT trying to make me feel bad.

And you are right about there being a difference between us. I loved my dog and always will. He brought me joy. But in NO way do I equate him with my child...either my dead child or living child. The chance of my tiny daughter being seriously hurt is NOT worth my dog's life, as harsh as that sounds, although you do NOT know that he was "surely put to sleep".

I'm sorry for your loss. Nobody should have to go through that. Congrats on your pregnancy. I hope everything works out perfectly between your dog and your baby. If they don't and you have to lose a pet member of your family, I hope you are able to grieve and vent without being reminded about how terrible your decision is.

Familiar Feelings

2009-11-09T23:56:00.001-06:00

Loss.

To make a long and horribly sad story short, we had to get rid of our dog, Buddy. This lab/rottweiler mix was over 100 lbs and was no longer in our control. He began acting aggressively during my pregnancy and even snapped at both Bill and me. He became possessive of his bones and toys and has only gotten worse. With Gwendolyn here, he has become more aggressive toward visitors, and we've had to keep him locked up. I never could trust him around her and it made it very difficult not being able to put my child down without first removing the dog or closing doors. He was angry at us for not giving him the attention we used to, and decided to take it out on the baby. He never hurt her, but could have very easily, and honestly it was inevitable...even if he didn't mean to. He forcefully rushed to her and kind of pushed her head with his nose one time, very much so on purpose because he was mad at me. He also has chewed up shoes and bottles and even jumped up on the car seat when I was carrying Gwen in it. Luckily he missed her body with his giant paws, and luckily I will not ever see what happens when he doesn't miss the next time. We called several shelters and a trainer, and most everyone said he sounded too aggressive to be adopted out. This broke my heart. But it got to the point where I was scared of my own dog, so I can understand why this would be the likely conclusion. He was taken to the pound (gasp) because we couldn't wait several more weeks on a waiting list and nobody else would take him.

He will be adopted by a farmer who has several acres of land to run around in all day. Said farmer will have other dogs for him to play with and no children for him to hurt. He will eat steak dinners every night and get showered with all the attention he needs. He will forget all about us and never feel that we abandoned him, because he will be too busy having fun.

I have never been good at coping with tragedy, you all know that, so creating this fantasy seems like the best option for me right now. Let's just assume that this is what life has in store for him next.

Even though this was the best decision for my family, it doesn't mean it was easy. I've sobbed and weeped over it. I've decided to blame myself for everything that has happened. I am ashamed and sad. BUT... my little girl is safe.

I feel like I can still hear him making noises. I keep thinking that he is outside or in the next room. I know in time these feelings will fade, just as the phantom kicks I felt after delivering Gregory faded. And honestly, what is helping me the most right now...is realizing that I have been through much worse. The feelings are similar...pain and loss. But when they start to get intense, the realization of the reason I know those feelings all too well, helps put things into perspective. This is sad. This is nothing compared to what I have already proven I can "deal with" if I must.

And of course Gwendolyn's beautiful smile is a great way to cheer me up also.

Halloweek...

2009-11-01T00:58:00.003-06:00

We had a wonderful Halloweek! Gwendolyn made me smile just about every minute of the day and was full of smiles herself. I still need to take a picture with the pumpkin we carved, but here are some cute pics from the past week...

Happy Halloweek!

2009-10-25T22:05:00.002-06:00

Every day, at least 5 times, I am shaken by how extremely different my life is now versus one year ago. We drove to VA to visit my grandparents this weekend. During the drive I couldn't help but beam and enjoy the amazing colors of the trees. This season is so incredibly beautiful. I think more than half the reason I notice these things so extremely, is because I experienced NOTHING last year. We cried through the holidays and slept through the seasons. I don't remember even noticing trees, though I'm sure they existed. I remember enjoying the rainy days because the weather, on those occasions, finally matched my mood. I know that the past few years of stress and heartbreak clouded my recognition of things most people enjoy so easily. Even before Gregory was born my mind was stuck in yucky mode. But it just got worse. I feel like I missed out on an entire year of my life. Every day was full of pain and tears and hiding. I remember it clearly, which is why I am able to realize how severely my feelings have changed. I am so excited to be experiencing the fall season and really looking forward to upcoming holidays with my new family.

I fully intend to celebrate and enjoy each holiday this year, the first being THIS week! I do realize that my daughter is only 2 months old, but I am happy happy happy to begin fun traditions with her. We went to an awesome Pumpkin Patch with my sister and niece and had a really fun time. Okay, Gwendolyn slept through the whole thing, but I was happy as pie to have her with me. I also attended a Scarecrow Festival with my mom. Gwen slept through that as well, but we enjoyed sipping hot chocolate and pushing a full stroller and judging funny scarecrows. This week we will be carving pumpkins, making Halloween treats, and Trick-or-Treating with my niece. 'Little Miss' might very well sleep through it all, but even just having her sleeping face with me, makes every experience full and wonderful. We have Halloween clothes for every day this week, so I will definitely post pictures. And before I get sad about my baby's first Halloween being over this weekend already...the wheels are turning in my head with ideas on how to celebrate Thanksgiving!

Walked. Remembered.

2009-10-19T02:03:00.003-05:00

The Walk to Remember went really well on Saturday. The weather turned out to be really great and it felt so wonderful to be doing SOMETHING as Gregory's mother. I love being Gwendolyn's mommy...but I would give up a whole lot to be able to actually act as Gregory's mommy also.

We met for breakfast and passed out the t-shirts. The shirts turned out alright. They weren't what I had pictured, but got the point across. The front was a picture of a tiny baby in a person's hands and it said "For a moment in our arms, Forever in our hearts." Then it had Gregory's name and birthday info. The back had the following...

Your life was short
Your hands were small
You had the power to touch us all

Your death left heartache
that nothing can heal
Your life left memories
that nobody can steal

We remember the images
of you peacefully asleep
We miss the tiny moments
with the one we could not keep

A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we tried
and neither can a million tears
We know because we cried

We swear and promise
and are determined to
Honor and cherish
and REMEMBER you

I pieced that together using some quotes I found and my own thoughts.

There were a lot more people there than last year. I'm happy to be in familiar company, but sad that so many people have suffered this type of loss. The ceremony was nice. The musicians were great. When Gregory's name was called we got our rose and some memory seeds to plant. My adorable niece wanted to hold the flower the whole time. I know this is dumb, but I loved seeing her hold that rose. That is the closest she will ever get to taking a picture with Gregory, but I will take what I can get at this point. The walk seemed to go very fast. I appreciated more than anything that I had a rainbow baby to push in her stroller. The whole experience was strange because it was 100% opposite of last year when my loss was fresh and I had no idea if I would ever be able to have a child.

One of the speakers talked about being forever changed by the loss of our babies. That is certainly true. I am NOT the same person I was before losing Gregory, and I never will be that person again. Although I am sad and burdened, I realize I am changed in some good ways as well. I hope, more than anything, that it helps me be a better parent to Gwendolyn.

I NEVER forget Gregory, but it feels like sometimes I forget what happened. Like the baby himself is always on my mind, but I am focused more on what I'm missing out on instead of the events that took place over a year ago. While sitting there with so many people who were grieving, I got irritated at the RE-realization. Did this really happen to me?! Was I really sitting at a deadbaby ceremony for MY son? Did I really deliver my first child DEAD? Yes. And even though I can smile these days, that fact is still NOT okay. I'm mad. I'm sad. If I let myself, I would have cried much more than I did at the walk/ceremony. If I let myself now, I would realize just how NOT over this loss I am and probably never will be.

Just as I am learning that I can be sad and happy at the same time...I am also learning that I can be thankful for what I have and still pissed for what I don't.

My Happy Place

2009-10-10T23:19:00.003-05:00

What a difference a couple months can make. I went from desperately seeking a happy place, to being stuck in one! I love every moment with this little girl. I kiss her just about every 5 minutes and sometimes she is completely still and then as soon as she gets a mommy-kiss, she looks right at me with huge smiles. It just amazes me that I might actually be responsible for making someone happy. I love when she lays on my chest and makes sweet noises, telling me all about her day. She is really becoming so alert these days. She will sit in the swing or on daddy's lap and look at me from afar. I love it. I love it all!

Gwendolyn is my Happy Place. And now I will post pictures of her happy place! My hubby, father in law and brother in law worked hard to get her room ready. There are still a couple items missing, because she did arrive earlier than planned, but you will get the point! We painted the dressers antique white and then detailed them with pink paint. We painted the shelf on the wall, glider and mirror antique white. I made her name letters and the bird artwork on the wall. It was a lot of work, but that little face makes everything so worth it. She LOVES her chandelier, by the way. She just lays in my arms and stares at it. =)

Random - I was watching Family Feud today. In one family the "leader" was named Holly, and in the other family the leader was named Gregory. They headed up to the podium and shook hands, and I almost cried. I know it sounds stupid, but what I wouldn't give for MY Gregory and Holly to be able to hold hands. And because I haven't sounded unhealthy enough...when Gregory beat Holly with his faster answer...I was proud of him...like I know I would be if Gregory were to beat me in a "family feud". I may be happy these days, but apparently I'm still nutty!

October Awareness

2009-10-07T01:46:00.004-05:00

In 1989, President Ronald Regan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This has proven to be instrumental in bringing the needs of bereaved parents to the forefront. In addition, several years ago, October 15 was declared Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day, parents, grandparents and friends around the country light candles at 7 PM in honor of babies who have died.

I took that directly off the SHARE infant loss website. October is the month to be aware of Breast Cancer and also Infant Loss. It seems like two of the worst things that can happen to a woman are supposed to be remembered at the same time. I can't tell if I am offended by that, or if I appreciate it. At this point in time I should have a baby less than two weeks old. Instead my little girl will be two months old in less than a week. I feel grateful that we are settled in and nicely acquainted at this point, because it means I can really use October to honor her brother.

This week I am meeting with my favorite t-shirt designer to make the shirts for Gregory's walk to remember. My dance studio became a corporate sponsor for the Edward Hospital Share Foundation, which means our logo will appear in the program, on the website and on the t-shirts. The most important part of the day will be walking to honor Gregory, but a little bit of harmless advertising won't hurt us!

After the Walk to Remember, we plan to celebrate Gregory's memory the whole day. Maybe that will be the best time to carve pumpkins. I'm excited to make a special pumpkin for each of my babies. We will be lighting candles for Gregory and all lost babies. I am probably going to make another ribbon for myself to wear also.

There was no point to this post other than to recognize that we are IN the midst of October. I am certainly "aware" of infant loss every day of the year...but this month I get to be more vocal about remembering and honoring my little boy. Yay for that.

Happy Haunting?

2009-10-03T22:24:00.002-05:00

Setting the fact that haunting is not joyful aside...did I just allow my blog layout to have the word "happy" on it? I sure did! I have definitely decided to keep this same blog running because this is the place I feel most free to talk about Gregory, and I never want to stop remembering my first child. Also, several times I have enjoyed my moments with Gwen so much that I don't know how to capture it. Do I write in a journal? Do I videotape my obnoxious doting? Do I start a separate blog? Do I email her on the account I already have set up for her emails? Well, I decided not to do that, because the moments of my crazy antics occur too often. My plan for that is to send an email to Gwen once a month just capturing our lives together and my love for her. Then when she has children of her own or is old enough to appreciate it, I will give her access to the emails and she can read about how incredible she has always been in my eyes. Well, I think more than once a month for the next 20 years is too many emails! So I will just be continuing with this blog.

I have changed my profile information and the family cartoon on the bottom of the page. I have added a festive background to celebrate fall and the fact that I am happy about it this year. I'm desperately trying to come up with an new title for the blog, without changing the essence of its existence. "Empty arms" doesn't work anymore, but "Full arms" certainly doesn't work either. I will continue to think about that. For now I am just happy that I have finally decided to keep this blog running. Both of my children deserve to be honored and while I can't have them both with me in real life, I can have them as close together as possible in my own little world here.

Holy Heart Attack

2009-10-01T15:04:00.002-05:00

My whole life flashed before me last night. I am amazed at how many thoughts and images can run through my mind in the matter of seconds.

Miss Gwendolyn has been diagnosed with severe reflux. She vomits everything she eats. The doctor is having us mix cereal into her milk so that it thickens up. It has helped keep it down, but is also now painfully constipating her. She is doing fine and is on meds, but needless to say I've been worried about her, when I have honestly not been anxiously fretting over everything like I thought I would be.

Last night she ate at 7:15pm with daddy. When I got home at 10:15 she was snoozing and went to bed. I got a bottle ready and waited for her to wake up for her next feeding which she usually takes 3-4 hours later. When 6 hours had passed, I started to worry. I kept checking the monitor. Usually she stirs every so often and makes noises. She didn't. Usually I can see her breathing pattern of "up and down" on her body. I couldn't. I tried to tell myself that she was just sleeping longer and was fine. When I couldn't stop worrying (7 hours past feeding) I decided to check on her, knowing that I would probably wake her up by opening her door and making noise. I opened the door. Nothing. Turned on the lights. Nothing. Walked noisily to her crib. Nothing. Untucked the blankets that hold her down and threw them off. Nothing. Said her name a few times, loudly and more panicky each time. Nothing. Unswaddled her. Nothing. Physically shook her body with my hands. She wakes up and stares at me like I am bothering her.

Now, all of that happened in only a one or two minute span of time. And in that short time I had so many terrible thoughts running through my head and my heart was beating painfully. I was shaking, and my face was twisting into a horrified expression that I had no control over. I thought about screaming for Bill to wake up. I thought about calling 911. I thought about the CPR class we took and tried to remember how many times I was supposed to compress her chest. I thought about Gregory. I thought about having another dead child. I thought about how I would never have children again since I can't keep them alive. I thought about going to jail because the police would think I did something to cause her death. I thought about leaving the state to escape the shame when people realized I didn't check on my baby in time to save her. I thought about planning a funeral. I thought about how I would never smile again. I thought about how Billy's life would change without me in it.

Now - of course those thoughts along with the feelings of grief and regret and shame and pain came out of nowhere. I am just so impressed with the human mind. How could all of that take place and affect me in such a short time span? It took several hours for my heart to catch its rhythm, and I'm still trying to shake those yucky feelings I have. Should I have checked on her sooner? She ended up being fine. At some point I am going to have to trust that my baby will survive. I mean, I can't very well wake her up when she is sleeping soundly at 10 years old. I am bitter and realize that I will never be "in the clear". If one baby was taken from me, who is to say it won't happen again? But I'm struggling with this sad truth and trying to live life normally at the same time.

I realized how quickly my body and mind can be shocked into frenzy. And I learned (through those images and thoughts) just what it would mean for me if I lose this little girl. It isn't pretty. But she is...so I'm going to try to forget about it and go stare at her to make myself smile again!

Due Date

2009-09-21T02:21:00.005-05:00

This weekend I was "due" to have my rainbow baby.

It passed by pretty uneventfully. Now that Gwendolyn was born in August, this date will come and pass without much thought from me. I have a little girl in my life who I get to experience rather than just remember. Gregory's due date, however, will never go unnoticed. I am finally posting the pictures from his special day.

Billy and I got balloons and went to a park. We sat and talked for a while about what we should have been doing and how our lives had changed. I cried and cried. We released both of our balloons and watched them as they slowly drifted toward the heavens, closer to where my baby boy just might be. After this we went to dinner with our close family. We were given letters to Gregory from his Grandma and Aunt to keep for him. We were also given a really touching gift. Our family chipped in and purchased Gregory's memory brick. Edward Hospital is creating a memorial garden for the lost babies and children. Gregory will have his very own brick with his name and birth/death day information. When the garden is up and built, we will be able to visit and find his brick and remember our first child. I am so appreciative of this.

It is tough to realize how different I feel on this due date as opposed to Gregory's. This weekend I've been happy and laughing and taking pictures of my gorgeous little girl. It is a 100% flip flop to the utter grief and despair I was dealing with in February. I think the reason I even realize how happy I am now and appreciate it so much, is because my low was REALLY REALLY low. I have never hurt so much in my life as I have this past year. Never cried so many tears. And now, I can't help but welcome this joy.

Ready to Remember

2009-09-18T00:29:00.003-05:00

Here is a picture of my perfect girl with the box full of pictures of my perfect boy.

The Walk to Remember is coming up next month, and I am so excited to honor my sweet boy. The theme for the walk is "We will never forget" which I think is perfect. This is the most important promise I've ever made to somebody, and especially since I made it to my first child. We are putting together a team for the walk, complete with Team-Gregory t-shirts. I'm posting the information here. Anybody and everybody who wants to participate is invited. All you have to do is click on the registration link below and then make a donation to the SHARE foundation. At the bottom of the donation page, it will ask what baby you are remembering. Type in GREGORY POSS and you will be officially registered to walk with Team Gregory. You may donate even if you do not want to walk. If you are interested in walking with us and would like to have a Team-Gregory t-shirt, please let me know. One type of donation is through the purchase of an event t-shirt with this year's logo on it. You can get this shirt in addition to our team shirt or instead of it or you don't have to get it at all! I don't care! All that matters to me is that I get the opportunity to spend half a day with people who all WANT to recognize my child's existence. Let me know if you are in!

-Info-

We lost our precious son, Gregory, to stillbirth on September 12th, 2008. Together with the Edward SHARE Program and with other families who have lost a child, we are planning the 5th Annual 'A Walk to Remember' on Saturday, October 17, 2009. We need your support. Please make a donation in Gregory's name at www.napervillewalktoremember.org. Then pass this information on to your friends who can become a part of Gregory's team.

the details

2009-09-13T01:51:00.002-05:00

Warning: This post will be long and parts are graphic. I am not trying to be clever or make the writing interesting or eloquent. I just want to post the details so that I can share Gregory's story. I also want to make sure I never forget the only moments I had with my first baby.

Thursday Sept. 12th, 2008

I had my 3 hour glucose test done that day and had a terrible experience with it. The sugar made me crazy. I stumbled and couldn't sit up straight so I had to lay down in a tiny cubicle with the lady who seemed to enjoy filling too many vials with my blood. At one point I told her I needed to throw up. She informed me that I would have to come back another day and start the test all over again, so I made sure to keep the contents of my stomach from spilling and survived. After the test I went to Pizza Hut and had bread sticks for lunch, because that is what I had craved during my pregnancy. I had just starting reading Twilight. I did not have any idea at that time how much I would NEED to escape into those books in the coming days... and how much I would still love Edward a year later.

I took a nap, canceled a private rehearsal with a dancer and took it easy. I got an email from the school I worked at with bad news that afternoon. They were not allowing me to take my dancers to the National Dance Team Championship because I was pregnant (wouldn't be for long) although they never admitted to a specific reason for this. The girls had already qualified, and I received the permission over the summer. We had also been National Finalists the past 4 years and were ready for another great year. This was devastating news, so I called a couple of my dancers to the studio early to vent about this. We ended up having a great time laughing and venting about many things. Ashley was there and that means that everyone was having a good time. We ordered wings from Buffalo Wild Wings because they were cheap on Thursdays and ate them happily.

I started getting really crampy. I had to throw something away and had a tough time walking to the garbage can because I was hurting. I remember Ashley asking me what was wrong, and I just said I was having cramps. This continued for about a half hour while the girls trickled in for dance practice, and I didn't think much about it. I talked to Billy on the phone and in the midst of an otherwise normal conversation, told him that I had the worst period cramps ever. I texted Julie with, "What do braxton hicks contractions feel like?" but didn't honestly think anything was wrong. I had done LOTS of reading about pregnancy and was pretty aware of my body because of our fertility treatments and diagnosis, so when I went to the bathroom and realized I was starting to bleed...I panicked. I went into the dance room to tell the girls I needed to go to the ER. The captains took care of practice and I called the assistant coach to come take over for me. I called Billy and told him about the bleeding. I expected to have to explain to him that this was something to be concerned about, but he knew. He hung up with me and jumped in the car to come get me. I was still cramping and starting to really worry. I called my mom to just let her know I was going to the ER, but told her NOT to come until I called her with an update. I just wanted to get an ultrasound and cervical check and be told the baby was fine and that I need to take it easy. I really thought that was what would happen, although in the back of my mind I knew the possibilities at hand. We raced to the yucky ER because it is closest, and I could feel that I was bleeding more. When we got inside I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding A LOT. I wouldn't sit down in the waiting room, because I didn't want to bleed on the chairs and there were other people there looking at me. It felt like it took forever and for some reason the Emergency room staff doesn't often act like things are emergencies no matter how serious they are.

We got put in a room. Billy called my mother in law and sister to tell them we were in the ER but asked them to please not come until we had more information. I remember laying on the bed waiting for the doctors to "do" something, knowing I was bleeding. The mothers showed up, because both decided to ignore our request that they not come! (I ended up being so thankful for that) Since we weren't too alarmed yet we discussed someone closing up the studio and bringing me more of the Twilight books since I might have to rest in the hospital for a while. There were no pillows so they rolled up sheets to put under my head. It was really uncomfortable with all of the cramping and they gave me some pain pills which did not help. We finally got wheeled down to the ultrasound room. Billy held my hand while the tech found the baby and checked things out. We were soooo relieved to see that his heartbeat was great and he was moving around. At one point we were laughing because Gregory lifted his hand up and down like he was waving to us. I remember seeing the colorful blotch on the screen which indicates blood, but at that time I didn't know what was normal or not. The tech did not say anything good or bad and gave us a beautiful picture, so when she left the room we were still smiling and just happy that things were going well. We got taken back to the room where we were supposed to wait for a doctor to check me out. Someone finally did, and my cervix was long and closed. Out of nowhere some other doctor came in to say that my placenta was tearing away and that is why I was bleeding. I got no information other than that. Bill called our hospital and the doctor on call from my chosen practice to see what to do. The yucky ER said they were going to call but too much time had passed and we still hadn't heard what to do so Billy took things into his own hands. Dr. Alexander called him back and said that we should go to the good hospital so she can care for me. Silly me thought that meant we would hop in the car and go. Instead I was to be transported via ambulance, but they had to wait for a driver and my discharge paperwork. That took forever. In the meantime we called my brother in law who is a paramedic to see if he could get an ambulance quicker, but he was drunk and couldn't drive! That was funny. Things weren't so funny when I asked everyone to leave so I could use the bathroom. I got up to walk to the bathroom and was bleeding all over the floor on the way there and once inside. I tried wiping it off of me but there was no end to it. By the time I was finished the bathroom looked like the scene of a murder, and I began to realize how severe things were. I had a breakdown in the bathroom and tried to call for Bill but he was in the hallway. I stood there alone staring at blood all over the floor and sink and toilet and my legs and feet and almost lost it. I made my way back to the bed, knowing that things were NOT good. We waited a lot longer for the ambulance, and I tried to remember all the information I had glanced over concerning placental abruption when I never thought it would happen to me. I couldn't remember much.

The ambulance ride was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was soooo bumpy. I have never been on such a rough ride before, and it was awful laying there alone in the dark and feeling every bump in the road. I held on tight to my belly and just imagined my placenta tearing away even more with each jerky movement. It seemed to last forever. I finally got to the good hospital and was put into a room. I got hooked up to the monitors, and we had an ultrasound. The baby was fine and his heart was beating away. I kept denying pain meds because I didn't care about the pain. I just wanted to know what was going on. The doctor talked to me about the placenta tearing away and her decision to keep me there over night for monitoring. They were going to keep an eye on things and run some tests and we were supposed to just rest and relax. Yeah right. Our moms came to the good hospital with us also. I remember texting Julie and giving her updates. Everything felt so surreal. I specifically recall texting "my placenta is abrupting" and being completely calm. It wasn't that I wasn't worried or upset, it was that for some reason it didn't feel real to me. I felt like I was in a dream. I just went through the motions of everything but had too many things to feel so I couldn't really feel anything, except for the physical pain. Billy and I had certainly not practiced any labor coaching yet. I did NOT want him holding my hand. It annoyed me, as did my mom kissing my forehead and touching my hair. I found comfort pounding on the bed rails to get through the worst of the contractions.

The doctor did not have any idea how fast things were progressing. The contraction monitor sucked at picking them up and nobody realized that this was true labor. Also, the ER reported to the doctor that my cervix was long and closed. They did not check it again when we first got there, though I really wish they would have. I asked the doctor if they ever had happy endings with this situation, and she confidently said, "oh yeah" and told me stories about patients who went on to 40 weeks and placenta tears that heal on their own. I was happy to hear not only the stories, but the reassuring tone in the her voice. The doctor mentioned bedrest. We had all been talking about how that was what would most likely happen in the hospital room. I remember being bummed about that. If I knew at that time what would happen next...I would have given my left leg to trade it in for bedrest. I was in so much pain and was moving around a lot, thrashing from side to side of the bed. My amazing nurse, Michelle, kept trying to get me to take the pain meds. The doctor came to explain to me what was happening, though even she had no idea how fast it was happening. There was blood pooling from a tear in the placenta. My body recognized the blood as being a bad thing and so was trying to expel what it considered to be a "danger". My constant movement was not helping. If I could have taken the drugs and been in a more relaxed state, my body would hopefully slow down in the contractions. At that point the doctor checked me, and with complete loss of her reassuring tone, announced that I had dilated to 6 centimeters. I got the drug Stadol in my IV. The plan was to rest and let the meds kick in. They would check the baby via ultrasound every 4 hours and we would discuss in the morning what the next steps would be. I absolutely HATED the Stadol. It made me feel drunk and so tired. It was fine to help take the pain away, but I couldn't focus on what was happening and that infuriated me, especially as things took a turn for the worse.

While Michelle was trying to put the catheter in, my water broke. I just felt a huge gush and tons and tons of liquid. I didn't realize what was going on so I asked her if it was blood. She didn't answer me. I asked her 3 times, and I could just see the sorrow in her face. I knew things were terrible and that they were about to get worse. She decided to do an ultrasound at that time to check on the baby. I will never forget the image that we saw. Gregory's heartbeat had slowed down to the teens. He was floating. Just less than an hour before that he was moving and doing well. This time we saw him laying lifeless. We just watched for a few minutes while his heartbeat finished declining. Michelle apologized very sincerely. I don't even remember reacting to what had just happened. I knew what happened, but couldn't feel it yet. I was supposed to call the doctor when I felt the urge to push. I know there were times that I was out of it and events that I am missing. I kept falling asleep when I was trying so hard to stay awake. I was so mad that I couldn't focus. Michelle was in the room when I said I needed to push, I think. The baby was coming. I pushed and Michelle delivered him at about 2:00am. It happened so fast and they weren't ready for it so she had to keep asking the RNA to bring her things. The RNA did not know where these things were and so she had to be talked through everything. She seemed a little freaked out about her part in what was taking place. Michelle cut the cord and looked at my baby with the sweetest of expressions. She announced that he was a boy, which I already knew, and put him on my belly. He was dead. He was tiny. He was beautiful. I just stared at him and put my hands on him. I finally asked if he could be cleaned up and if I could still hold him. I didn't know if they were going to take him away from me or what standard dead baby procedures were. They weighed and cleaned him and dressed him in the smallest shirt and hat ever. Bless those people who volunteer to sew tiny clothes for the hospital. We held him in our hands because he was so tiny and fragile. We opted to keep him in the room with us. Very unhappily, I passed out again. I was in and out of it through the rest of the night. I remember listening to Billy and the moms talking. I remember seeing Billy sleeping. I remember being mad that people were going to go and clean my house and furious that I didn't have the energy to hold my baby. When I was awake, it wasn't for long. At some point my mom cried and apologized about some things that happened in the past. At some point people told the family. At some point we were asked questions and expected to make the toughest decisions of our lives.

When I was finally able to wake up and stay up, I went and got my baby from his crib. I touched his hands and feet and face. We were both so afraid to touch him because he looked so fragile and his blanket was sticking to him. We talked about how long his legs were. We looked at how perfect his face was. We discussed his big feet. We noticed his thick neck and long fingers. I laid in that hospital bed, the saddest Holly I had ever been. I kept getting up to go and look at him and pick him up. We decided on Gregory because that was the name we chose for our son. We could never see calling any future babies that name. We decided to have a ceremony and not a funeral. I regret that. We decided not to bury or cremate him. I regret that. We had absolutely no idea what the "right" things to do were. We were in no position to think through our decisions. We had no idea we would even have to decide these things. We had visitors that day. Our family came and entered the room that had a rose on the front door indicating it was a deadbaby room. Some people held him, some just looked at him. Bill and I slept a little and cried a lot. We heard babies being born in the rooms next to us. We passed on the terrible news to our jobs and close friends and tried to make sense of what had just become of our lives.

We had a ceremony to bless our baby. I was wearing sweats and a t-shirt. I regret that, but I didn't pack clothes for mourning in my bags that day. I watched as our family all passed Gregory around and cried as they said hello and goodbye to him. The doctors and nurses wanted me to stay in the hospital one more night, but we were done. I was done listening to other babies cry as mine was silent. The nurses were all really nice and helpful, but I was done listening to their apologies. I did appreciate that many people recognized and verbalized the tough journey we had just to get pregnant and that it added an element to the pain. We were sad at the hospital and we were going to be sad at home, so we opted to go home. We were given instructions...how to heal, how to deal with my milk coming in, where to go for support, etc. We were given Gregory's blanket, shirt, hat, footprints, and a handful of pictures of him (my most prized posessions) all wrapped up in a box. We got a memory book and a pamphlet on child loss. When we were all packed up and discharged, it was the hardest thing in the world to leave that room. I just kept staring at my baby. I knew that when I walked away I would never see him again. I also knew that I could not stare at him forever. The nurses came in a couple times to take him and we weren't ready yet, so they politely left us alone until we were. We never were ready to leave that room, but we had to. We walked out to the car in the dark with a box and the saddest memories to date.

Bill's mom and sister had cleaned our house and boxed up everything for the baby. We didn't know what to do at home. We tried filling our time and keeping our minds off of things, but this was usually unsuccessful. We laid in bed together and just cried. Those first days were the absolute worst. Bill dealt with things by sleeping. I just cried. I don't need to go into too much detail here because this is where my blog started. We can all go back to the first posts and be reminded of just how absolutely painful life became. Maybe I will do that someday. For now just this was enough of a struggle to get out. I know I have left out lots of details. I will go through and edit as I remember things. I'm sure Billy can help me remember some of the details I have blocked out.

There isn't an end to this birth story. I am still very much grieving and some days am still "stuck" in the midst of this birth/death story. It has broken and defined me.

What a year

2009-09-12T00:46:00.003-05:00

I never thought I would experience the worst day of my life and best day of my life all within the same year.

Best day - Gwendolyn has truly been a Rainbow for me. Bill and I are thoroughly enjoying her. After having to fake smiles for so long, I now can't stop smiling. I laughed last night and meant it. It felt so foreign to me. We have decided to enjoy a family dinner on Sunday to celebrate my birthday, Gregory's memory and Gwen's 1 month mark. We have been cheerful in our thoughts about celebrating Gregory's day and much happier than we assumed we would be at this point in time.

Worst day - It has hit me. I have had such a wonderful day, week, month and have waited for this happiness for a long time. Having this gorgeous baby makes each day worth living. It also makes the memories of pain this past year seem that much more pathetic. It is really hard knowing exactly what we have missed out on with Gregory. I have always thought about the things he should be doing and events he should be attending and people he should be loving. But somehow watching all of that happiness unfold with my little girl makes the absolute LOSS more real. I can only imagine how amazing my little boy would be. Literally...I can only imagine, because that is all I have.

This time a year ago I was going through so much and not really grasping any of it. I have yet to post Gregory's birth story, but am planning to do that at some point this weekend when I feel ready. I can't believe the wave of emotion that just hit me. I have been as happy as can be all day and night. I was doing my "rounds" on my email accounts and websites and as soon as I clicked on blogger, the tears came flooding. No amount of joy I have (and there is a lot lately) can make me forget Gregory and the awful experience we went through a year ago right now. I am trying not to think too much about it because the involuntary flashbacks I'm getting are painful enough. I just went from happy to sad to angry in a matter of minutes. First I felt like posting our plans for the weekend, then I felt like posting the sad details of his birth/death, and now I just feel like screaming and ranting about how unfair it is that this happened in the first place.

I naively thought that I had started to triumph over the depressed version of myself. I have been doing a good job of handling the "new mom" and "second grandchild" and "first baby" comments. I've been able to smile. I've been productive, but apparently I was wrong about the sadness being gone. It is still there, it just isn't being focused on. It is just covered up a bit by the great things happening. I'm assuming there will always be triggers that uncover that sadness, and I'm assuming it won't ever go away. Consider me triggered! This day of Sept. 12th has reminded me of the pain I am still burdened with.

I have no idea where I am going with this post. It kills me to have to type anything about being sad when I have the most beautiful baby sleeping in the next room who is ALIVE. How dare I be crying when I am blessed with this little girl?! I appreciate every little thing about her more than I could have ever imagined.

And yet I can't help it. With the exception of this month, the past year has been full of several types of loss and utter grief and anxiety and fear and emotion. The one thing it hasn't been filled with is the presence of my baby boy.

I could not ask for more...

2009-09-07T01:45:00.005-05:00

"I could not ask for more"

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true

And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than the love you give me
Because it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

As I was staring at my gorgeous girl a few days ago, some of the words of this song popped into my head. I decided to look up all the lyrics because it seemed very fitting for what has been going on lately. I do honestly believe these are the moments that I have waited my whole life for, and this little girl is the best thing to ever happen to me. However, after reading just the title of the song...I can't agree that every word relates to my life. I COULD ask for more. NOT every prayer was answered. NOT every dream has come true. I would certainly think this way if Gwen was my first baby and I felt all of this love for her in a more innocent way. But, I don't have ALL I have waited for. I never will have it all. I have been amazingly blessed with this beautiful child, but if I had the chance, I COULD ask for more. I could ask for what I now know I am missing out on with Gregory. I realize it is impossible...but having both of my babies alive would be perfection.

I'm pretty amazed with how I have been emotionally these last few weeks. I am much more "okay" and peaceful about Gregory's loss than I imagined I would be. I am having a blast with Gwendolyn and am just plain happy. I'm realizing and confirming the simple truth that it IS possible to be sad over one baby yet so unbelievably joyful over another. I am getting used to feeling both of these emotions at the same time, and that is good. I will always be a mother to both of these babies and hopefully more. Gwen is filling my heart and life with love and happiness...but there will always be a piece missing. And that's okay. I can have a wonderful family that just doesn't follow any typical definitions. And my life can be great. It has been amazing for 3.5 weeks already, and I am so excited I get to keep this little girl...knowing that she will continue to make me smile all through life. I needed her. And other than what I can't have - I could not ask for more.

Home Sweet Home

2009-08-29T21:31:00.002-05:00

We are home and adjusting to life. I know people have been worried about us, but things have been going just fine, and Gwendolyn is healthy as can be. We are still on "immediately family only" restrictions and are not supposed to be out in public for another month or so, but this girl is wonderful. She reached her birth weight by her 2 week appointment, which made us proud. We are having some issues with breastfeeding since she was given bottles of pumped milk in the NICU, but things are getting better.

I realize it is still early and all of this could change, but this is much easier than I thought it would be. I've cried over the breastfeeding issues quite a few times and am so tired that I could fall asleep standing, but I expected much worse. Sometimes I feel like I'm running around like crazy or that I'm pumping 25 hours a day, but other times I'm bored and just waiting for Gwen to wake up because I miss her. I sit and watch her on the video monitor during night sleeps, not only to make sure she is breathing and comfortable, but also because I'm still amazed that there is a real live baby in MY house!

Emotionally I feel like I'm doing better than I imagined. I do get frustrated when things don't go perfectly, but I'm smiling and enjoying life with my baby girl. The thing that really surprises me is WHAT I'm so sad about. My biggest complaint at this point is that everything is happening too fast. I know everyone says they grow up so fast, but I can't believe how much she changes from day to day. It makes me really sad. Gwendolyn is already over 2 weeks old and is probably 5 pounds by now. She looks so big to me. She is starting to fill out and has arms and thighs and is even getting baby neck rolls. She is awake more and is super alert and strong. She smiles and holds her head up like a pro. I just didn't expect that to happen so quickly. I also feel a little bit cheated because even though she is over 2 weeks old, I feel like we missed out on a lot of her life because she spent her time in the NICU. I know eventually this will not matter and that I have years to enjoy special moments with her, but everything is moving so fast. I'm excited to watch her reach her milestones and learn about life, but love her being so tiny and needy right now.

I miss Gregory, but through a daze of happiness and love rather than grief and emptiness. I can't wait to tell her about him. We are going to participate in the Walk to Remember in October and I am excited for Gwen to wear a shirt that honors her big brother.

I can't help but cringe when I hear people mention that this is my first baby or that I am finally a mother now, but things don't sting as terribly when I have a gorgeous baby to care for. My baby...in MY arms...and in MY home... =)

Showing Off

2009-08-23T01:54:00.003-05:00

I thought I would just show off how ridiculously beautiful my little girl is. These are her first pictures out of the tubes and wires!

http://www.bellababyphotography.com/baby/login

password: 0813gwendolynposs

NICU blues

2009-08-21T20:59:00.004-05:00

Holy emotions. I feel like I am not cool enough to be in any of the fun clubs, and have been inducted into all the pathetic groups of sad people. I am an infertile, a deadbaby mommy, and now a NICU parent. I remember hearing about struggles of NICU moms and thinking, "at least your baby is alive." That was before I realized you can appreciate your joy while still having valid complaints. This has been a tough week.

Starting with last Wednesday's ultrasound showing low fluid, everything has moved so fast. I was induced within hours, in labor over night, had the baby in the morning and then have been running around trying to be the best parent I can be while my little girl is in intensive care. Everything changes in an instant, and life is so fragile. I have been in tears in the same hour I have been beaming smiles. It is really difficult to be sent home without your child. It happened with Gregory. It happened again, although under much better circumstances this time. But why can't I be like the other dozens of moms who just walk out with their babies hours after delivery? I want to bond with my daughter, I want to make sure she knows who I am and who her daddy is. I want to introduce her to my family. I want to give her everything she needs. Instead we are limited to only a few people allowed in the NICU at all and only one at a time with a parent. Changing her diaper when she is hooked up to a handful of cords and plugs is not easy, and putting clothes on her takes forever. She has a hard time staying awake for feedings but has lost weight after beginning to gain back her birth weight so we have to try and get her to eat as much as possible. We can't unswaddle her to try and wake her up for feedings because she can't regulate her temperature and has been too cold. It is great to know my little girl is in good hands with the nurses and neonatologists. But it also sucks to hear her updates second hand. I hate hearing bad news, but I also hate hearing the good news, because I should KNOW that stuff. I'm her mom and I should be there for everything. I am already there more than they want me to be, but it just doesn't seem right to leave. And the times I am forced to leave, I HATE leaving when she is awake. grrr.

Gwendolyn is doing very well, but things change every hour. On Monday we were told we would be going home because she was gaining weight and doing so well. The nurses were stocking our bins with stuff to take home. We were given a private CPR class because we wouldn't be there the next night for the official class. It was a very exciting day. That night we found out she had lost weight. The next morning we showed up to find she lost more weight, had high bili levels and needed to be put under the lights, had to have a feeding tube because she was using too much energy trying to stay warm and wouldn't be able to gain the weight needed, they were running cultures to see if she had an infection that was causing the low temps, we needed to weigh her before and after every feeding to see what she was consuming and they would pull the extra food out of her tummy to make sure she didn't have a digestion problem and we couldn't hold her. We also found out her Protein C levels were low. This is in the same family as Protein S, which I have a possible deficiency of and is the reason they tested her for it. I cried. A lot. I guess this is just the first taste of what it feels like when your child is sick or in pain.

Things are going much better. I wanted to be able to post this when it was all happening, but just didn't have the time. I also want to make sure I don't let myself forget how tough it is to be a NICU mom. I'm hormonal enough as it is after giving birth, but boy oh boy, these feelings are abundant. I feel like I have only half started my job as her mommy when I want to be able to give her everything she needs, not watch other people do it.

No title necessary

2009-08-14T15:48:00.002-05:00

No further text needed!

I am Happy

2009-08-13T23:34:00.004-05:00

I don't think I've ever had a post with that title before. I'm just sitting here in the hospital smiling away while hubby sleeps next to me. I have fully prepared myself for the hormones and sadness and pain. I understand this will all hit me in the coming days, but for now I am just plain happy.

One of the things I have been expecting is to feel even more sadness over losing Gregory. I have heard many people say they felt this way after seeing their rainbow babies. I'm sure I will sing a different tune as time goes on, but I feel really at peace right now. I love reading all the comments about how Gwen looks like Gregory. I definitely agree. And the lactation consultant asked me about my necklace today. She asked who Gregory Poss was, and I explained it was our first son who was born to soon. She said she was sorry and that she realized how nervous we must be with this little girl. I was just holding her and staring at her ridiculously adorable face in awe. I asked myself if I was more sad, and the answer was no. I'm more grateful that she is doing so well. And I miss Gregory, but in a peaceful way. It is tough to explain. I would have liked Gwen to stay inside longer so that she could be as healthy and big as possible, but I'm also secretly happy that she wasn't born too close to Gregory's birthday. It will mean he gets to keep that month and those days can be dedicated to him while I throw parties in August for this little girl.

I still can't decide if I want to do a separate blog for Gwendolyn. I'm leaning toward not doing that, because I don't want Gregory to ONLY be associated with my most painful hours. And I have feelings about life with both of my children. It sounds silly, but I want Gregory to be as much a part of this family as possible, including this happiness which is new for us.

Safe and Sound

2009-08-13T15:24:00.002-05:00

Gwendolyn Jeanne has made her adorable appearance. I will post more details later about the delivery, but she is doing very well.

She was born at 6:45am. She weighs 4 pounds 10 ounces and is 19.5 inches long. She is very tiny, but the cutest thing I've ever seen.

She scored 9/9 for APGAR and has had no issues so far. She is in the NICU staying warm but is breathing on her own and regulating her own temperature. They are trying to decide if they will try feeding tonight or tomorrow, but she is looking great.

More details to come...

Ready or not... Here she comes.

2009-08-12T16:52:00.002-05:00

This morning we came in for our routine MFM appointment. Gwendolyn's fluid measured very low and the doctors decided the safest thing is to deliver immediately. They are thinking it is some kind of placental issue...story of my life. I've been induced and am just waiting it out. She will most likely be here tomorrow. I know we are in for a NICU stay, but any positive vibes you can send my way will be appreciated. I am just so freaking glad we had an appointment and u/s today, because we could have had another stillborn baby and not had any clue. The doctor was talking about the risks of stillbirth if we wait with low fluid, and of course it isn't worth any risk. So here we are. I might be posting pictures of a little girl before I get a chance to post pictures of her room. Fingers crossed this tiny baby can be healthy and safe.

Gregory's Nook

2009-08-11T01:05:00.002-05:00

I can't describe how guilty I feel in not posting. Half of the reason I've been so distant is because I'm psychotically busy. We are putting on a show in 5 days, getting the studio set up for our fall session, fixing up Gwendolyn's room, slapping up walls and floors in the basement, working with our dog on behavior issues, attending doctors appointments and trying to mentally and physically prepare for the little girl who will be here any day now. Busy. The other half of the reason is because I can't handle the sadness. I've been pretty up and down with my emotions, and hearing about new losses has put me on edge. I know it happens, but I just feel so yucky that so many new women are losing their babies every day. It makes me nervous, because we will never be in the "clear" to just count on our baby being safe and sound. I just can't handle all the bad news.

Tuesday is my 3 year anniversary. My hubby is so wonderful, and in our 9 years together, has saved me numerous times. I have to laugh at how we thought we would have a honeymoon baby three years ago! I was in such a completely different state of mind back then...innocent, excited and unaware of how tough the next years would be. I couldn't have survived without the sweet man by my side. And as morbid as it sounds, if I have to have a dead kid, I would never want to have a dead kid with anyone else. On a happier note, one of the ways Bill makes me smile these days is by building Gregory's nook. He is building a set of corner shelves into the basement walls that will house all of Gregory's stuff. We decided to do this a long time ago, but every day Billy talks about "Gregory's shelf" in some way or another. He has mapped out the drawing and measured to make sure we have enough room to fit everything. It makes my heart melt to watch him do this for our little boy and it puts a smile on my face to just hear how easily Gregory is talked about in this house. He is such a wonderful dad to Gregory and Gwen, and I know I will enjoy watching him experience all the great daddy moments to a living little girl.

I will update when I can with pictures of Gwen's pink room and Gregory's special nook.

Bad Friend

2009-07-31T23:53:00.003-05:00

I am a bad blog friend. I hope nobody feels too neglected. I've been pretty "out of touch" everywhere these days. I am super stressed and trying very hard to remain positive. As terrible as this sounds, sometimes I skip reading new posts from blog friends because a part of me just gets sad to be reminded of the grief others are going through. I don't feel like I always have the energy to be as supportive as I want to be, and maybe if I delay reading the sad posts I can delay the reminder that I am still so sad myself.

There is just SOOOO much going on these days. We are putting on our summer production two weeks from tomorrow at the studio. I've been building sets, buying costumes, choreographing dances and organizing things. I've also been busy getting our performing company and new teachers situated. We have a lot of awesome new students, so yay for that, but the work never ends!

The house is still nuts. Gwen's room is pretty much finished. We just have to get the carpet installed and touch up the paint. We painted all the furniture. We ended up skipping the color blue because the pink and white details took long enough! Carpet is coming this week and then we can move everything in. We have decided to get our basement in halfway decent shape before the baby gets here. We are starting to put up the walls tomorrow. Hopefully it will be done in a couple of weeks, since we are running out of time.

Gwendolyn is doing well. She is only measuring in the 30th percentile, which makes me very nervous, but the doctors tell me not to worry. The last two appointments she measured in this same percentile, so it is consistent, but they are having me come back to measure again. That makes me nervous. They don't worry about it until it is under the tenth percentile, but I just can't help but think about how she measured weeks ahead in the beginning. At that time they were saying maybe she was just meant to be a big baby. Now they are saying maybe she is just meant to be a small baby. I have verified with 3 doctors that it has nothing to do with my nutrition and there isn't anything I can or should do about it. This is just another case of too much information. Gwen is still kicking and rolling around, which I love, but she has definitely dropped. As of yesterday my belly is much lower. There is never a time when I'm standing up where I don't feel pelvic pressure, and I did have a lot of contractions yesterday. The great news is that tomorrow we head into week 34 which means she is on her way to being ready for the outside world. I'm a little less worried about her survival and more worried about getting everything ready!

I had another baby shower last weekend, and it was great. My sister did an awesome job of planning it all out, and I really enjoyed seeing everyone. We got tons of great gifts, and I feel so appreciative that I had the chance to experience this for my little girl.

I found out on Tuesday that my days of crying and grief are not all behind me. I had a terrible day when I could just not get out of bed. There was nothing I wanted to do. I skipped my counseling session, which is the exact opposite of what I should have done. I just couldn't get myself to go or do anything. I'm relieved that those days are getting to be less frequent, but they still knock me down so much.

There are a ton of other things going on in my life, but I don't have the energy to type it all out. I'm stressed. I have happy moments and sad moments. I'm trying to allow myself to experience both of these things without feeling guilty. I am trying to keep this little girl in my belly for as long as possible and trying to have faith that all these preparations will not go to waste.

Broken

2009-07-20T23:30:00.002-05:00

I am broken. I always will be. I guess I need to start coming to terms with that.

Things are going fine with Number 2. My cervix is opening, but at an acceptable amount, and we aren't in danger at the moment. We are doing the fFN tests every two weeks so we will definitely be prepared for an early arrival. She is moving and kicking like crazy which makes me cry, because it is so great. Since last Wednesday night I have had some TERRIBLE contractions that are so painful and scary. I've been doing my best to take it easy and rest, but you know how that goes. On Thursday we just got home from our ultrasound, and I couldn't talk or walk through the contractions. In all honesty, if Gwendolyn is born now she has a great chance of being healthy. However, my brain immediately "went there". I automatically thought that it was a good thing we had the ultrasound because those were the last pictures we would have of the baby alive. I wonder if I will ever stop thinking in worst case scenarios.

So the baby is fine. We have been making progress on the nursery. We had a nice baby shower on Sunday and have already been overwhelmed with peoples' kindness. Everything should be perfect.

But it is not. It never will be. OF COURSE I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE THIS LITTLE GIRL. OF COURSE SHE WILL MAKE ME HAPPY EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. For some reason I think most people cannot even fathom why I would not be the happiest person in the world at this point. I have learned that the two feelings can occur simultaneously. As happy as I am to prepare for this living baby...I am just as sad to be grieving the loss of my first baby. Yes, still!

I suppose everyone is shaped by their life experiences. Some people are naive and overly trusting in the world because they haven't had to deal with as much. It is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but it also has made me jealous and bitter.

First of all - Infertility sucks. It hurts to fail month after month when you want something so badly, especially when you are doing everything right. The cycle of hope to devastation and back can really wear a person down. Just because I finally got pregnant, does not mean I will EVER forget what it took to get to this place. I will never forget the pain and failure, the realization that I had no control over the situation, the sad fact that my children were not conceived "naturally" or in my own home, the stabbing ache of going home empty handed after watching the joy children bring to everyone else, the horrible advice from people who have NO CLUE what it is like to deal with infertility, the isolation and insecurity you feel as you watch how easily it comes to everyone else. I will ALWAYS remember. And I will always hurt. I'm not hurting in the same aspects, but it still freaking hurts. It still feels like a stab in the face to hear about how quickly and easily other people get pregnant. It hurts to watch other people dealing with infertility and to know exactly how yucky they feel. It isn't fair. It hurts to read posts about women who have multiple failed IVFs and are still working toward their goals years later. It hurts to know that all the innocence and "fun" of conception is forever gone for me. I am still trying to have one living baby, and already freaking out about the journey it will take to try to get to this point again someday. It hurts.

Second of all - I have a dead kid. I know this isn't something most people understand. Even the people who were there to witness this event or who are close to me, can't understand the extent of what this has meant for me and will mean for me my whole life. It feels like the "event" is just a minor glitch in the story of my life according to others. If my dog ran away, people would have heard about it, felt bad and then gotten over it. That is what everyone did knowing that I lost my first child, except then everyone assumed I would somehow get over it just like they did. Not the case. It will never be the case. People are absolutely irreplaceable. Anyone who has a child knows that. Just because I am pregnant again does NOT mean the world is great again. It does not mean I am over my loss. It does not mean that I am healed or fixed. If anything, it has complicated things even more. If your mother died, you would not just "get over it" because your dad decided to marry someone else. That little boy was MY CHILD. My baby who I worked so freaking hard for. And even though I will be able to laugh and smile and love my future children, he will always be missing. I will take pictures of Gwendolyn every month as she grows, but it will also be another month that Gregory should have been growing. I love having a little girl kicking me in the ribs and dancing on my bladder. The kicks remind me that I will have a healthy baby in my arms soon (fingers crossed), but they also remind me that my arms are empty when they should be holding a little boy who would be almost half a year old. It hurts. It STILL hurts. And it will STILL hurt.

I'm not sure why parenting is such a big deal to me. I don't know why or where I got this idea that raising children is the most important job in the world, and it is the most serious thing you will ever do. I can't put my finger on why I feel it is a parent's job to give their children love and attention and energy and security and confidence. But I do. I always think I am right, but in this instance, it hurts to know that so many other people do not feel the need to be as prepared or consider the parental responsibility to be quite as important. I know that people choose to live their lives differently, but for some reason the people who are the best parents or would make the best parents have to struggle and suffer to get pregnant. I read the news stories about crack heads who neglect their babies and teenagers who accidentally get pregnant and see bad parenting firsthand from time to time. Of course I get aggravated at how unfair it is that they get to have their babies, and I am struggling to have mine and lost my first born. I wish these were all stories about people that I hear from afar, but I'm afraid it is closer to my little world than I would like. I can't help but question what the heck I am doing wrong in life to deserve sadness while other people get to have so easily what I have wanted for years. I can't help but question how this is all "meant to be" (barf).

I'm still very much going through the ups and downs. I have some great moments. But I will always hurt. And there are things that will always trigger the tears. I immediately regret canceling the counseling session for this week. I am just trying to draw comfort and hope in the fact that when these terribly sad moments and reminders occur for me weeks from now, I will have a little girl to kiss to help make things seem a little less monumental.

Flashbacks

2009-07-12T00:48:00.003-05:00

Today was very bittersweet. We attended the Childbirth Education Marathon class. I was expecting parts of it to be painful, but it was fine. I was dreading the introductions and the questions about our other children. I was really anxious about it until I remembered that only first time parents take this class. I was a bit anti-social in comparison to other ladies there. They were bubbly and excited and innocent. I can't imagine what pregnancy would be like with that state of mind anymore! The class covered everything that is in every book. There was only a handful of things I didn't know, but it was good to refresh my memory. It was also good for Bill, who learned a bunch. Honestly, a lot of the information was unnecessary. Doctors talk you through everything and there isn't really a need to know the medical terms for every little thing. I spent so much time reading up on all of this, when "knowing" this stuff doesn't raise your chances of bringing home a healthy baby over losing your child. Oh well. One thing we did learn while practicing the different laboring positions is that our 13-14 inch height difference means a lot of positions do NOT work out for us! I cannot rest my head on Billy's shoulders while I lean into him. I end up in his chest and holding my own weight. And then most of the positions where I lean forward or over a chair or lay on a chair to receive a back rub, do not work unless he is sitting down. We had some good laughs trying to figure these out! It was nice to laugh.

I also cried. The instructor was nice enough to schedule us for a hospital tour right after the class. We were told to go to the hospital and meet Michelle upstairs. We remembered right away. Michelle was our nurse and was actually the one to deliver Gregory because the doctor couldn't get in there fast enough. She was AMAZING and made our stay as gentle and "nice" as it could be under those circumstances. She led us through a tour of each room and went through the various processes. I think it has really helped to be seen in L&D by the MFM, because I didn't have too much anxiety walking in those rooms since I've been getting used to it...and we didn't go into the room Gregory's room. We were in the delivery room for a bit and listening to her talk when she asked if this was everyone's first child. Everyone else said yes, but Bill and I just didn't say anything. At one point she realized she recognized us and said, "Haven't I treated you before?" I said, "yes, you delivered our son last year." She said, "I knew you looked familiar," and congratulated us for being back. There was a little bit of silence and then I could completely see it in her face as she figured it out. She went on with the talking, and I cried. The rest of the couples must have been very confused, but probably figured it out. She left the room and it was silent. The lady in the next room was yelling really loudly and was clearly in pain. I reminded everyone to pretend they didn't hear that and we all got to laugh and ease the tension. As we walked down to the next area, Michelle put her arms around me and said she remembered, and she apologized for not remembering sooner. She said she was so happy to see us back and looking great and felt bad for bringing it up. I cried at different times throughout the tour, but it was worth it to see and hear everything. There were lots of flashbacks as we were looking at things. She was talking about how the babies all "room in" and stay in the cribs next to the mothers. I couldn't help but remember that my little tiny baby laid next to me the whole time, but dead. I would keep walking over to him to look at him and touch him or hold him. Or Bill would bring him to me. I remember so clearly having no idea what to do. It didn't feel real and it was the saddest thing to happen to us. We didn't know how to act in that position. There are no books on how to parent a dead baby. She also talked about the medicine Stadol, which I HATED. I was so disoriented and had no control over myself. I couldn't talk or focus or stay awake, when I wanted to so badly. There were a lot of memories brought back to the surface of my mind. I could go on for a lot longer about the flashbacks, but I will just think about it on my own and miss my little boy.

As she walked us out, Bill stopped to talk to her. He wanted to thank her for taking all of the pictures of Gregory, so we stayed to chat for a bit. She said I looked great and put her hands on my belly, which I considered comforting and not at all annoying. She asked about the pregnancy and we talked about how I'm seeing the MFM and doing the fFN tests every 2 weeks now. Bill mentioned that we are having a girl this time, and she asked about her name. We told her we would try to give birth during the night shift again so she could be there! She said she really hoped she could see us when we are back. She wants to see us hold that crying baby, and I really believe she meant that.

It was pretty tough and since the tour was unexpected, I didn't prepare for the flashbacks and emotions. We also didn't know we would be seeing Michelle. While it was hard, it was very worth it. I cannot tell you how amazing it felt to be remembered. And as strange as it sounds, it reminded me about how real everything was. I had my baby, stayed at that hospital, saw the nurses and doctors and did almost everything - except bring home my child. Since I don't have Gregory in my house or arms and there is so much pain attached to him, sometimes it feels surreal or distant. I was happy to be brought back to that reality again. I know that doesn't make sense, but not much of this does. Michelle was such a "positive" part of my experience with Gregory (of course I don't really mean positive), and it made me feel like his mother again...a nice reminder...and a nice support. I really do hope we get to see her at some point while we are delivering again.

The day turned out to be so different than I expected. I wasn't ready for the tears and awkwardness. I also wasn't expecting the comfort and love and warmth I got from just seeing Gregory's nurse again. I didn't realize how much I needed that comfort until I got it today, and now I am just so thankful.

Holy good news

2009-07-08T00:50:00.003-05:00

I actually have had a few consistent days of good "stuff" happening. Of course I am exhausted and can barely keep myself moving, but I'm okay with the physical junk. I have been teaching days and nights and having appointments in between and trying to get naps in since I can't sleep at night. Ah well...

Last week I found out I failed my one hour glucose test. I had to take the 3 hour test which I was very anxious about. Last pregnancy I was passing out and trying not to throw up and stumbling and had a terrible time dealing with the sugar. I ended up in labor with Gregory THAT NIGHT. It was a Thursday and I started having contractions at the studio. So I ended up taking the 3 hour last Thursday, yikes, and had a tough time again. After not being able to sit up straight very well, they had me lay on an exam table. It was very uncomfortable because I need a super soft surface to lay on, but it helped to not have to worry about holding myself up. I knew for sure I failed it. I was wrong. I found out that I did fail at the one hour interval again, but the 2 and 3 and fasting were fine and I do NOT have gestational diabetes. I'm surprised and really happy to have finally caught a break! I had a lot of anxiety going through the test since it was a Thursday, and I had to teach that night. I was sitting at the studio just waiting to go into labor. Luckily that did not happen.

We got a group of new students. They are young and super sweet and very good. I've only worked with them for 6 classes now, but they have already learned so much and seem to really appreciate the attention they are getting. I'm excited about having them on board. It looks like "word of mouth" about the studio is finally getting out. We needed that.

Monday I had a second fetal fibronectin test done and it came back negative! So as long as my placenta doesn't decide to abrupt, or my cervix decide to completely open...we have a good chance of NOT delivering in the next 2 weeks. We are checking on the IC/funneling situation next week and will get the fFN tests done every other week. I'm comfortable with the amount of monitoring we are getting. Also, I failed the depression quiz by a lot (I knew I would) and after the 4th doctor talked to me about meds, I've agreed to take zoloft at a small dosage. I start that tomorrow and am told I will start to feel more like myself, which I look forward to.

Tonight I started a really fun dance class with lots of my old favorite dancers. I had a really great time with everyone and it was a definite and necessary ego boost. I must have done SOMETHING right to make so many people excited about coming back to dance with me. I needed this.

I am not cured. I am not fixed. Grief comes and goes in severe ways. I'm just appreciating the good stuff at this point...knowing it will all come crashing down again before I know it.

Name that Baby

2009-07-04T00:47:00.004-05:00

In an attempt to focus on the wonderfully positive things in my life, I am sharing our little girl's name. We had two names that we have loved for a long time, even before we were trying...which was years ago, btw. We just needed to decide. Because it is classy and trendy at the same time as well as uncommon, Number 2 will officially be named...

Gwendolyn Jeanne.

Gwen - because we love it. And Jeanne - because it was my grandmother's name, and she was practically a best friend to me.

My lovely husband has been making a lot of progress on the nursery and the belly picture is actually in front of a freshly painted wall. The belly pic is from 29 weeks, at which point I have become huge. No wonder it is so hard to move around these days!

I made two pieces of artwork for Gwen's room. One is a tree with two birdies and one is a birdcage with a bird. They are super cute. I also made a mobile which has a bird's nest/wreath with pink birds and ribbons. I'm going to decorate letters to spell out her name on a wall and then I'm pretty much done with the crafty stuff...for now. We decided to do birds because my Grandma Jeanne LOVED birds and this is a way for us to remember her and also help introduce the baby to her memory.

The room should be done in a few weeks with EVERYTHING finished/furnished. This is great news because we are still at risk for pre-term labor, and if we have the time, maybe we can get the basement in some type of working order before little miss Gwendolyn arrives.

I'm not really in a better place, emotionally, but I'm trying to help adjust my thoughts and perceptions so as not to make myself more miserable than is necessary. I have been dealt a whole lot of crap, but I've been dealt a whole lot of good as well, and I can't let my grief overshadow all of it.

Blah

2009-07-03T03:26:00.003-05:00

Please tell me that in a couple months when I have a brand new human being to take care of, the issues that eat me up now will dissolve. I need to believe that sometime in the near future I will be able to stop dwelling on the loss of people who don't care to be a part of my life anymore. I know I will still be sad over Gregory, and giving birth again will certainly be bittersweet, but there are other issues, mostly dance related, that keep me up at night as well. I just don't have the energy to miss my son, prepare for Number 2, AND miss people who don't think twice about me, yet I can't help it. I'm trying to tell myself that the people who don't keep in contact with me are missing out on as much as I am at a loss for...but of course I don't really believe that. I try to remind myself that the people who have judged me based on things that occurred in the past 9 months, have absolutely NO idea what I have been through and if they did, would be more forgiving and sympathetic. I try to forget about people I have lost (except for Gregory) and think about the people who HAVE stuck with me through everything and love me enough to want to be with me, even through my sadness. But it is hard. =(

I am really banking on things changing soon. I'm hoping that once that baby is in my arms, all these other things eating me up will seem so silly and trivial and not worth my time. My world will be this little girl, and I will be able to let go of some of this pain. I know I will have lots of anxiety about the baby and that it will be physically and mentally exhausting. But at this point I'd much rather be worried about my child getting enough to eat than what it is about myself people decided they all of a sudden dislike. I'd much rather be awake at all hours of the night changing diapers and rocking a baby than being sad about things I don't have in my life anymore.

It is only Thursday (kind of) and I'm already ready for Tuesday to get here so I can go back to the counselor. For some reason I seem to believe things when she says them, even when I don't believe myself on the same points. I'm also seriously considering a medication to help me feel more like myself. It has been so long since I've felt like Holly. I feel like this past year has been full of loss, and losing myself is one of the hardest to accept.

Random updates

2009-07-01T01:02:00.002-05:00

For some silly reason I have been avoiding posting lately because I'm not in a "good place." I have no idea why it matters, but I just don't have the energy to really post how yucky I've been feeling.

Tonight I am feeling alright, so I will post some random but necessary updates...

1. I miss my little boy. Hubby went to a baseball game for two of our favorite kids in the family and had a tough time being reminded that he is SUPPOSED to have a boy right now. We are very excited about this baby girl, of course, but it doesn't change the fact that there should be a little boy sleeping in the next room as I type this.

2. I had an awesome appointment with a doctor on Friday. It was one of the "other" doctors I'm required to meet in the practice. She took the time to answer all my questions, draw me pictures of a funneling cervix, explain the charts of Number 2's growth and sympathize with me. She was trying to confirm that I have every right to worry about this pregnancy. She started to say, "I would definitely feel the same way if I was in your position..." Then she stopped, thought, and said "I can't even IMAGINE how I would feel in your position." I really appreciated this because she thought about what I am feeling and recognized that even as a doctor, she has not been through this experience. Prior to the appointment I had to take a "before" version of the postpartum depression quiz, which was ridiculous. It asked questions about sleeping habits, amount of time spent crying, etc. I already know that I'm depressed. We did discuss medication to try and help me feel more like myself, but I still need to research it before I'm comfortable with the idea. I will tell you, the appeal is quite high as I suffer through these days.

3. I saw the counselor again today. Way too much time passed between appointments, and we are not going to let that happen again. I'm going to start seeing her every week now. She makes so much sense and helps me realize that I'm attaching WAY too much pressure and baggage and meaning to my thoughts and feelings. I'm expecting too much of myself. My homework is to try and think about things that are happening this week instead of dwelling on things that might happen in the future. It doesn't do me any good to fear the worst and create a reality for myself that may never even occur. I am also supposed to try and open up more to others. I have people who want to help and would not mind sitting with me while I cry or explain my feelings, but for some reason I have such an issue with letting people see me be vulnerable. I'm supposed to take small steps to start sharing myself with family and accepting help. We will see how that goes.

4. I am overwhelmed and feeling like I'm running out of time to prepare for this little girl. Bill has been working his butt off on her room, but it just feels like the projects never end. He has torn down the closet, made a bigger closet, moved a vent from the wall to the floor, covered a window, patched drywall, moved outlets, etc. He still has to do the electric work in there. And we just found out that there is absolutely NO insulation in the outside walls. No wonder the room was so cold and drafty. Now the plan is to either cut holes in the top of the walls and rent a machine and spray insulation into the walls (which sounds like a lot of work to me) or tear the walls down and insulate and put up new walls (which sounds like even more work). Yuck. We have the paint. We also have the carpet picked out and that will be installed last. Besides just getting Number 2's room ready, we need to make our laundry room usable before she gets here.

5. My dog is acting strange lately, including an episode of growling and snapping at me. This is really scary. Work with him more, you say? Well, it isn't that I don't have time, it is that I barely have the energy to take care of myself. Then I have a studio to run and classes to teach and an entire show to put on only 6 weeks from now. And then getting our house ready for the baby, and also being pregnant. Sometimes it takes every ounce of effort to get myself out of bed or stop myself from crying. Unfortunately, these days I would rather cuddle with my dog than try to really train him. I'm hoping to get some motivation for this soon. I've got some reading materials to start with.

6. I've been enjoying teaching this summer so far and am really excited to have new students join our dance family. Also, next week a whole clan of people who used to dance for and with me will be starting a class, and this has made me more happy than I've been in a while (concerning dance). Not only do I miss these girls who all grew up and went to college and got jobs and such. But it feels good to know that they must have enjoyed dancing with me enough to be so excited to come back and do it this summer. I'm looking forward to it.

7. Call me blond, but I JUST recently realized/remembered that "Number 2," which we have nicknamed our child, has a double meaning. Did you all realize this? Do people think I named my kid after poop?!

Another little gesture

2009-06-24T14:32:00.002-05:00

Lea from http://nicholastouch.blogspot.com/ made these angel wings for Gregory. The picture is beautiful and another little thing I will cherish and appreciate more than should be possible.

The little things

2009-06-24T02:48:00.002-05:00

After losing my baby, I have realized that it is the little things in life that mean the most to me. Of course I mean that literally, the little one growing inside of me right now means the most, the little pictures I have of Gregory's little body...these are the most precious things in my life.

But I mean that figuratively, too. Besides my big husband, the things that make my heart feel warm are always the little and simple things.

- Little comments on my blog - I do not know how I would have survived these past 9 months without this blog and the support I have received from it. Tiny sentences from fellow deadbaby mamas and my friends and family have brought me comfort. I get excited when there are new comments to read. I love knowing that there are other people who can relate to how I feel. At the same time, I hate knowing that so many people are suffering like this. And for my friends and family who haven't experienced this loss (besides losing Gregory), the fact that they even read each post means the world to me. I will say, I have friends who know I have this blog and stopped reading months ago. It hurts my feelings a little, but I can't expect people to involve themselves in my grief on a regular basis. I also have friends and family who read every day and are always offering me support. That means more to me than they know, the simple fact that they read it...shows they care.

- Little gestures - Fellow DBM Bree from http://babybutterflyella.blogspot.com/decided to make butterflies for all of our babies. This was probably easy for her to do, and I could have done this myself. But the fact that someone ELSE thought of my baby, and I get to read his name in this beautiful picture, makes me melt. I know she realizes how much this means to me, but I can't believe how much one little gesture can feel so important. Thanks, Bree.

- Little mentions - In the midst of every day life, I hear lots of insensitive comments. I'm probably the only one who notices the frequency of these, because I'm so emotional and can't help but be offended, but at least a few times a week I feel a stab in the heart and feel so let down by peoples' remarks. However, every time I hear someone use Gregory's name in conversation, my heart skips a beat. It validates that he exists for these people enough to discuss him and means I get to talk about my baby. If you think of how much mothers want to talk about their babies and children, you realize how tough it is to never be able to do that for fear of making someone uncomfortable...or only having sad things to say. The urge is definitely still there. The following tiny mentions have made my day at some point....

At a dance competition in December, I saw my friend's boyfriend for the first time since the loss. We didn't get a chance to talk but he gave me a sad face and his expression explained a million things from across the room. He gave a little air hug. I'm sure nobody else even noticed, but this silent conversation was amazing to me. That same day my friend gave me a key chain with Gregory's birthstone and name on it. It is gorgeous. Something as trivial as a key chain brings tears to my eyes.

My aunt is throwing me a baby shower. She asked what we needed and very casually mentioned that the family didn't know if I had already bought a lot for Gregory. Just the fact that she had no problem bringing this up and saying his name and reminding me that the family thought about this, honestly made me smile.

As everyone else on Father's Day either didn't think about Billy as a father or kept calling him "father to be" and making similar remarks about his time coming soon, an aunt told him to go get in line for food first because he is a father. Then after a minute of silence she brought up the fact that we made it to the 28th week and that was a big milestone. This proved that she recognizes that Bill is already a father, and thought about what happened to our first child and is happy for us for reaching this milestone. It not only meant a lot to me, but in the car I was told it meant a lot to Gregory's daddy as well.

- Little actions - I bought charms with Gregory's info and name on them and gave them to a few people and explained they did not need to wear them but that it meant a lot for me to GIVE them. My sister wears hers frequently and it makes my day every time I see it. Billy's mom took it right out of the package the second she got it and put it on her necklace. I can't help but stare at it on her at family functions, and it makes me feel so happy to see it displayed. At a bridal shower, I heard someone asking her what the deal was with her necklace and she proudly announced it was Gregory's charm. And the fact that she didn't have to explain who Gregory was...just proved that more people than I realize know about my baby boy.

My sister bought me a wooden letter G to decorate and put up in our home. Some may think that is morbid... she didn't. and I can't wait until we get our basement finished so we can proudly display this gift and all of his things. It also never sounds odd when she talks about Gregory. It is comfortable and easy and feels natural to discuss him and there aren't many people who create that safe place for me.

I have a friend who has, over the last 9 months, sent me emails at least every other day. Usually they are responses to my blog posts, but she always lets me know she is thinking of me. I don't always agree with what she says, but, honestly, it doesn't matter if she was typing in Hebrew. The FACT that she takes the time to send me comfort and her thoughts is more than I can say a lot of people have done, and always appreciated.

I haven't posted this yet, because I wanted to put my pictures with it, but Gregory's due date was so special. My family met us out for dinner and drinks to give us something to do that night. They presented us with the most amazing gift. They all chipped in and purchased a brick for Gregory which will be used to build the Memorial Garden for lost babies at a local hospital. We've gotten site plans and pictures detailing this haven for parents of lost children. And when it opens, we will have a brick with Gregory's birth/death day info. I cannot wait to go find his brick and have this place to visit and spend time remembering him. It is a brick, the best brick in the whole world. It means more to me than words can say, and I haven't even seen it yet.

Gregory's butterfly picture is what inspired me to jot down these other little things that have brought me out of pain, at least for a while. There are more and maybe I will post them. When we lost him we had lots of support, as is expected, and lots of people helped us out in tremendous ways. I will always be appreciative of the people who taught my classes & ran the studio, brought us food, sent us cards, prayed for us, etc. I guess as time has gone on, the LITTLE things in this post have stood out to me when it feels like everyone else has forgotten or would prefer to avoid the subject that means the most to me in the world. My LITTLE baby, Gregory.

After-thought: I realize that I say "it meant the world to me" a lot. I've never met anyone who wouldn't admit that their children are their world. When your whole world is taken away from you, reminders and gestures like this really do mean more than you could ever imagine. I'm not exaggerating.

Father's Day

2009-06-21T08:22:00.002-05:00

I would like to extend my thoughts and comfort to all Deadbaby Daddies. I know women are more vocal and emotional, but the big guys supporting us are sure to be suffering inside today without their babies. Hug your hubbies extra tight to help make up for the little hugs they are missing out on. =(

Today is Bill's birthday in addition to Father's Day. Obviously the day will be a little bittersweet, but I hope I'm able to show him I appreciate him as the husband and father he is. Last year we announced to his family our pregnancy by saying "next year Billy will be celebrating with all the rest of the dads". I hate to remember that moment of excitement, because it was all torn away. But NEXT year we WILL be celebrating a living baby...gosh darn it.

To start the day off with a bang, we headed to L&D around 4 this morning. My cramping was getting hard to breathe through, and the pelvic pressure was intense. Unfortunately we have no explanation as to why I'm having these issues. But what that means, is that everything is just fine. No UTI, no leaking of fluid, no cervical dilation, no dead baby. Most importantly, we had a fFN (fetal fibronectin) test done and as long as nothing traumatic happens, there is a 99% chance I will NOT deliver within the next two weeks. I am following up this week with the doctors, but for now I feel much more confident knowing that things are alright.

The doctor said that the baby's position could have a lot to do with the pain I'm feeling and the pelvic pressure. This would make sense because it was proven on Thursday that Number 2 is standing straight up in my belly. Her feet are very low, and I can feel her stepping on and kicking me in the cervix. I knew this was her position all along, but it was nice to be told I was right and that this simple position could be causing my extra irritability of the uterus!

Oh for Pete's sake

2009-06-18T12:41:00.002-05:00

The good news: I'm laying in bed and reading. Everyone loves to just relax in bed and blow off work, right?

The bad news: Today I had an appointment with our MFM. My cervix measured a nice long 5cm. Yay. Then it decided to open up/funnel when the doctor put "pressure" on my uterus. It dropped to 3cm and didn't close back up while I was there. 3cm is still a good measurement for cervix, but it is not good news when "pressure" causes cervical changes. I'm using quotes because he BARELY put pressure on my belly. Honestly, I've put more pressure on it trying to feel her move and my uterus went through much worse just last night as I was rolling from side to side in bed.

He sat down to discuss the issue with me. The measurement is fine for now and does not mean that Number 2 will fall out of me if I sneeze. However, he is pretty concerned because we have a history of very fast labor with no explanation as to why everything happened. I know the measurement is fine today, but also how quickly that can change. He wants me to get it checked again in a week, and in the meantime I'm not supposed to strain myself. What does that even mean? I don't feel like I'm straining myself, but I don't know what the definition of that is.

I'm concerned about incompetent cervix. =(

I have been EXTRA crampy/contractiony lately and have been just attributing it to the darned irritable uterus. But for the last couple weeks it has been pretty bad. I assumed all was okay.

I have had watery CM. If you don't know what that means, don't look it up. Just know it is an additional indicator for IC. It can also mean nothing, so I assumed all was okay.

I have felt some major pressure really low in my belly. I'm reading now that this can be a symptom of IC, but since I never got this big with Gregory, I assumed all was okay.

Number 2 is healthy and moving. Again, I assumed all was okay. The doctor asked me if the baby's heart was still beating when I went into the hospital to deliver last time. I explained that it was up until he was on his way out. I am HAPPY that this little girl is healthy and alive, but I know how quickly that can change.

So now I'm in freak out mode. I am waiting to hear back from my regular OB to see what her opinion is on this whole ordeal and what I should do about it. I have subs for my classes tonight and have decided to lay in bed and worry rather than walk around and worry. I just have been feeling really yucky lately and thought maybe I was getting sick. I planned to bring it all up at the appointment. He almost didn't do a cervical measurement because just weeks ago it was fine. Different story today. =(

You might think I am scared over nothing, but I know that a tiny bit of pressure on your belly should not open your cervix, especially considering that I only have ONE baby in there, and she is little. I know that it opened up to a still "acceptable" measurement, but who is to say that it won't open up even more. The doctor even said that. There are no guarantees and we have no idea why this is happening. It is almost just as scary knowing that she is perfectly healthy, because if something goes wrong, it will mean it is my body failing her as it had no problem doing with her brother. I just have this terrible feeling about the situation. I feel like my days are numbered with this baby and that I should halt all excitement. I really hope these feelings are not a mother's intuition, but are coming from the fact that this is my worst fear. Yuck.

For now I watch for blood, try to pretend I'm not having contractions, time them if they get to be regular, wait for the doctor to call, and try not to "strain" myself.

Siggy

2009-06-13T00:05:00.002-05:00

I finally got up the courage to ask someone to make a message board signature for me. I know it seems so silly, but I hate that I don't get to post pictures of my little boy. I see other awesome signatures and have wanted one, but am also aware that it is tough for people to see a dead baby. I requested this from VIP and was so nervous to log in and check on it. All the other requests were titled things like "new siggy of my kids" "summer baby pic" "my four kids" etc. I requested "memorial siggy" and had butterflies in my stomach thinking about what people thought when they would see the request and picture. I think I half expected people to tell me to take my dead son's picture off of the board because it was disturbing to look at. I also expected the designers to avoid doing it because it isn't a "fun" project. I am so grateful. It was snagged up right away, and I got lots of sweet responses about my loss. The designer did a great job, and I'm so glad to have this opportunity to publicly be Gregory's mommy. I AM his mother, I just don't get many opportunities to act like it.

A group of online buddies I've been with for a couple years now encouraged me to get this, and I really appreciate their acceptance. They all think it turned out awesome and have no problem looking at a picture of my dead baby every day. I value this more than they know.

I don't know how to make it bigger on the blog. Any ideas? I'm just so proud to have this mommy badge. Also, if you haven't noticed...scroll all the way down to the bottom of this page. I have our family "profile" and got to include both of our babies. I don't get the opportunity to brag about my baby or post updates on his newest milestones reached, but I AM proud to be his mother and these tiny opportunities mean the world to me.

Unhealthy

2009-06-11T01:26:00.003-05:00

It took sitting with an old friend and "catching up" on life for me to realize I am really not healthy. I don't function socially like I once did. I had to hold myself back from crying for no reason other than the fact that my opinion on everything in life has changed. I'm different, and it makes me sad. I guess this dear friend served as a reminder of how I used operate. I miss those days. I could smile and laugh. Now I just feel like I can't relate to people and hold back from saying all the things that really go through my mind...and wish it was instead filled with carefree, exuberant thoughts.

This on top of other yucky things going on that I can't post on this blog because some of the people hurting me read this...made for a lovely evening breakdown. I guess I'm wondering when things will change for the better. Every time things look up and I'm feeling great, it crumbles.

I'm trying not to think about the fact that I very rarely feel Number 2 kicking. For about a week it was several times a day and especially at night that I would feel her. Now I am lucky to feel something once a day. She is most likely in a position where my placenta hides her movement. Awesome. It is really fun trying to convince myself that things will turn out positively when I know darn well most people at 26 weeks are feeling constant movement. Most people wouldn't worry all day about the lack of movement being the result of a cord wrapped too tightly around the baby's neck or a loss of amniotic fluid or just plain, unexplained death. I guess I am not most people.

Accomplishing too much?

2009-06-08T22:54:00.003-05:00

Either I'm setting myself up for a major disaster, or we are accomplishing a lot of things in preparation for Number 2.

I've purchased fabric and supplies for my mom who is making our crib bedding, window treatments, and glider slipcover. I returned the other nursery bedding and items I purchased thinking Number 2 was a boy. We ordered a crib. We picked it up, put it together and decided to return it because we weren't happy with the quality. We have decided on a new one and will most likely order it in the next few days. I bought all the supplies to make the artwork for this little girl's room. I'm making a mobile (already started on it), name letters, and canvas prints. I bought the chandelier and other decor to go with all the furniture we purchased. We picked up paint swatches and need to decide on colors and wait for the paint to go on sale. We have almost everything we need to finish the nursery.

We registered. I've been researching and following baby safety guidelines for years for most gear, so it wasn't as big of a project as it could have been. The hardest part was getting up the courage to "go for it".

There is a baby shower being planned. My wonderful sister in law is hosting this and plans to get invitations out THIS WEEK! I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity, but it is such a big deal. It is a good thing I've mostly convinced myself I'm not jinxing this baby's life by planning for her, but actually inviting my family members to come and celebrate...asking them to assume we will have a healthy baby...puts knots in my stomach. I don't know if it is because it involves other people or because it is several weeks from now and I'm still very much living day-to-day...but I can't help but be nervous.

So, some would say I have accomplished a lot and am on my way to being ready for Number 2's safe arrival. I can't help but wonder if I'm accomplishing too much, if you know what I mean. While I'm out bargain hunting or crafting I feel great and even excited, but at the end of the day I always question if these are the smartest things to do. Am I only setting myself up for more painful reminders and wasted money if I lose this baby, too? My sister in law has already promised she would help me return things to the store if I end up with 2 dead babies. FYI - I asked her for this, she in NO way thinks it will be necessary. As my lists of things bought or registered for or accomplished grow, I just can't hush the voice in the back of my head telling me to keep return policies in mind and try to make it easier on those who will be helping me return such items when they end up not being "necessary".

On a positive note - Last night I had my first baby dream where I delivered Number 2 and she LIVED! I would say that is a major step in the right direction for my emotions and subconscious mind. I sort of wish my first birth dream with a positive outcome didn't occur in my 26th week. It makes me sad that it has taken me this long to get on board with the idea that I might just have a screaming baby in my arms. But it also makes me nervous that maybe I'm starting to get too comfortable with that wonderful idea.

Holly?

2009-06-04T14:27:00.002-05:00

I certainly hope I don't offend anyone by this post.

I love my name. I was named after one of my mom's favorite soap opera characters, but I dig that it has never been very common. However, I can't help but notice that I am not the only Holly who has a dead baby. In fact, I can count five different women named Holly (a couple with different spellings) who I have met via blogs or loss boards in the same position I am, and these are only the ones I've SEEN. I'm sure there are more out there. I am not deducing that everyone named Holly is cursed, but I wonder why the only time I've ever known the name Holly to be common, is in the category of suffering mothers. Hmmm.

I'm cured

2009-06-02T22:27:00.002-05:00

Okay, not really. Today's appointment with the counselor went well. I didn't leave feeling brand new and whole again, but I had no qualms. I liked the doctor and the fact that she dealt with infertility herself. She was pretty insightful, which is encouraging since that is her job and all. She thinks I'm already on my way to being more healthy, based on some of the things I was saying. She said I'm being too tough on myself, which I already knew. I also am attaching way too much extra baggage and feelings of guilt to the thoughts I have. I need to remember that being sad and happy at the same time is fine, because my situation is unique and I don't need to feel guilty for being too happy some days or too sad other days. I also need to realize that my thoughts are uncontrollable and complaining about discomfort or feeling impatient do not make me a bad mother or person.

We talked for an hour and a half and still hadn't covered lots of things. I'm realizing this will take time. I'm glad we are getting this started so I can be in as healthy of a place as possible when Number 2 is born. And as long as she is born and lives, I know I'm on my way to being happy again.

Viability

2009-06-01T22:58:00.003-05:00

I am relieved to be in my 25th week of pregnancy. Babies are considered "viable" at 24 weeks and have a 40-50% chance of surviving. This depends on many factors and also what literature you are reading. I remember there being a post on the SAIF (success after infertility) board where a poster wanted to know "what all the hype was" concerning this milestone. Some other women chimed in and agreed it was "no big deal" and that even if a baby would survive birth at this time they would be spending considerable time in the NICU and would be very ill and "nobody wants that".

I responded, but had to bite my tongue, because there was much I had to say about the emotionally loaded post and responses. For example, my hand is raised high in the air as someone who "WOULD want that." Being past the 24 week mark means that if I go into labor right now, all doctors will try everything they can to make sure my baby survives. That is what the hype is all about.

I remember sitting in the hospital room with my dead baby in the bassinet next to my bed. I listened to the babies being born in the rooms on either side of me and was sent home with a memory box instead of a human being. After feeling every emotion under the sun, a long and stressful stay in the NICU sounds like a picnic in heaven to me. My heart goes out to all mommies who struggle through NICU stays and watch their tiny ones fight for their lives, but I would much prefer that to holding my baby who had no chance. I understand most people don't think the same way I do, but I am beyond relief that Number 2 has a fighting chance at life if something goes wrong. I would gladly spend my time worrying about her in the NICU. If it means she is ALIVE, then I WANT THAT. I am certainly not naive. I know that there are babies born after 24 weeks and all the way up to 40+ weeks who don't make it. I am not assuming I will bring home a living baby, but I am more hopeful about it being on this side of the fence.

Every day the baby gains about 3% chance of surviving, so each day is a triumph. My next goal is to make it to 28 weeks. I still have my worries and nightmares. Today, for instance, I was in a sad funk because I had a terribly long dream about my little girl's heart not beating any longer. It was in real time, and I had to deal with lots of people and events that I have going on right now, but had to tell everyone that Number 2 died. I posted about it on my blog and remember my message board friends directing each other to read my "loss story". It was awful. I'm feeling better about it now, which is great, and there is always this relief in the back of my mind that Number 2 has reached a huge milestone. We are closer to bringing this baby home than I imagined, at times, we would make it to. That is a BIG DEAL.

One large step for Hollykind

2009-05-30T00:08:00.004-05:00

Tuesday, June 2nd @ 2:00pm

I am meeting with a counselor.

The receptionist, who was very nice to me on the phone, asked what my issue was. I explained that I'm a sad human being who has always suffered self esteem issues, infertility sent me over the edge with jealousy and bitterness, delivering a stillborn son has caused me utter grief and I'm lost in the world, being pregnant again means I'm full of anxiety and scared to death that I will lose this baby, and that I'm worried about having post-partum depression because I'm already depressed and am at a higher risk for it because of that.

They would like to see me right away. Imagine that!

Shot down

2009-05-27T14:24:00.002-05:00

I think I am just not going to allow myself to have great days anymore. "Time heals all wounds" - is a load of bull. It has been 8.5 months since I held my baby, and even though the good days are much better, the bad days are just as terrible as they always were.

On the good days I am able to laugh, enjoy myself, and have hope for the future. Unfortunately those good days are always followed by more bad. I feel stupid for letting myself be so hopeful one day and then watching it all come crashing down the next. My moments of security are few and far between. I love them. And then I laugh at myself days later when I feel so shot down again.

Yuck.

Nursery Plans

2009-05-26T00:59:00.003-05:00

Picture is 23w2d.

We made a lot of progress on our nursery planning this weekend. We have a super small room to work with, so it has been stressful trying to decide what furniture to get. After browsing six million pictures, I decided to do a vintage/antique looking room for Number 2. We went looking at thrift stores for a dresser and found a gold mine. Apparently one of the thrift stores in town is FULL of antique furniture and decor. There were lots of things to look through, and we fell in love with a 4 piece dresser set. It has a double dresser, taller one, mirror and night stand with drawers. They are antique white with scalloped accents in two pastel colors. We will repaint them in our colors. The drawers all have really fancy handles and pulls. I don't like the mirror that matches the set so we found a fancy oval mirror to hang above the dresser instead. We are getting the entire 4 piece set plus the new mirror for $275 tax included! I am so happy we decided to check it out and that we found these perfect pieces. We will not use the night stand in the baby's room but will use the other two dressers. We will put a changing pad on the double dresser. Now all we have to do is choose a crib.

The room will be light blue and different shades of pink. The walls will be a soft tan with one pink accent wall. We will be painting our glider, shelves and mirror frames blue. The bedding and most accents will be pink and a tiny bit of light green. I'm going to make the artwork myself. I'm really excited to know what our plan is so I can get started. Billy used a program on the computer to map out the room to scale with all of the furniture and it seems like things will work out well.

We both had a great time planning and deciding on the perfect items for our little girl. The room will be very feminine. It won't be too modern or matchy - matchy, and the great thing about that is that we are going to save money!

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T12:33:00.002-05:00

Today I am remembering my little boy. I'm missing him and thinking about what we would be doing if he were here enjoying a relaxing day at home with mommy and daddy. I owe it to Gregory to keep his memory fresh in my head. I never realized how much I could love my baby, dead and all.

This morning Bill finally got to feel Number 2 kick. This is a pretty amazing thing because I don't even get to feel much. We laid in bed and poked and prodded the bump trying to wake her up. It paid off as we finally both felt something. Of course that happy moment was overshadowed with the new fear I developed that by poking and prodding and pushing her around I was ripping my placenta and numbering her days. It sounds silly, I'm sure, but you would probably think about this if you were in my position.

A lot of DBM have created new blogs for their Rainbow Babies. I understand the reasoning behind this, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. First off, there is the irrational feeling that I will be jinxing this little girl's life if I start getting comfortable with the idea of everything working out. I know eventually I will start a new blog that will be much more happy, because I feel guilty posting all my excitement on Gregory's special page and she deserves her own attention. But, I don't want to stop posting my everyday feelings here, because he is on my mind through ALL of this. Even when I'm joyous and smiling about Number 2, Gregory is still a part of it all. I guess I have time to think about it, I just don't want Gregory's blog to become obsolete when this new baby fills up our hearts and lives, which she has already started to do.

Sweet Poem

2009-05-20T12:38:00.002-05:00

I do not think of Gregory as an angel. I feel he is with me in some way and hope that I will get to hold him again some day. However, I do love this poem I found on Nicholas' mommy's blog.

An Angel Never Dies - author unknown

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and
Then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”…
An Angel Never Dies.

Struggle

2009-05-19T00:18:00.002-05:00

I am back in town. The wedding was wonderful for the bride and groom, and that is what matters. It was much more difficult for me than I imagined, although I wasn't expecting to deal with some of the things I was faced with. I remained as composed as I could when I needed to, and had a few good crying bouts when I was alone.

If it wasn't already apparent , my thoughts and feelings during this weekend have made it blatantly obvious that I need to speak to a counselor. I'm researching them now. I'm calling to see if my insurance company will cover any of the costs. I'm sure it won't.

On the up side, in spite of all of my worries and nightmares, I am still pregnant, and Number 2 is alive. I am so glad we decided to pack the doppler because on Friday night when I was sure I had lost this little girl, I was able to relax to the sound of her heart beating away. I appreciate that major detail.

Incomplete Family

2009-05-14T02:17:00.002-05:00

In 3 hours we will be off to Tennessee for Bill's brother's wedding. I'm sure the weekend will be full of fun and laughter, and I'm looking forward to it. I do still have a knot in my heart, though, and I can't seem to get rid of it. From the second I found out this wedding was to take place, I imagined myself there with my brand new baby. We talked about it with family and even decided who would hold the baby during the ceremony. We joked about getting me a hooter hider because I'd surely be breastfeeding at this point. Gregory should be 3 months old and making this trip with us. I should be packing all of his gear and clothes and preparing to take my baby out of state for the first time. None of that is happening. I'm thankful to be pregnant with Number 2, but the anticipation of this event has been rough. I will not have a newborn baby with me. I feel like I've been in a better "place" this last week, but I can't forget all the plans I made in my head for this weekend long ago. And even though I will smile, in the back of my mind will be the little boy who is missing from the family pictures. I'm mentally preparing myself to deal with the other newborn who WILL be there (because she is alive) and already coming up with ways to keep my mind busy with other things. I'm hoping this is one of those instances where the anticipation is worse than the reality of the situation. I'm not complaining. It will be wonderful, I will have fun, but I know myself well enough to realize that it will also hurt.

15 minutes of Fame

2009-05-11T23:56:00.004-05:00

Sunday between 10:00 and 10:15am, Bill and I had the most amazing 15 minute experience ever. I realize that doesn't sound right, but I promise this is g-rated. As you know, I have been dreading Mother's Day, and for good reason. The anticipation was putting me in a funk last week, and we decided on a whim to schedule a 3D/4D ultrasound for Sunday morning. We have already had 8 ultrasounds, true, but this was the best decision we have made in a long time. I was able to have something to look forward to on the day that was sure to be full of doom and gloom, and it gave me something to focus on. We got to spend time watching Number 2 in her natural habitat. You heard me...

It's a GIRL! The second the tech started it was a perfect shot of open legs. I actually saw the "three lines" that you look for as proof of girly bits clear as day. I said "It's a girl!" The tech saw it at the same time and said, "How did you know?" I explained to her that I've studied enough pictures to know what I was looking at. It was incredible. Then we got to look at her face and hands in 3D/4D, and it was awesome. The tech kept talking about how long her legs and arms were. It was strange to hear "her" but familiar because this baby has been measuring so big. She was completely folded in half and her feet were above her head, probably stretching for her lifetime of dancing days. She had her arms crossed and was sticking her tongue in and out. At one point she put her hand on her face and it melted my heart. She was also punching and kicking my placenta, which I didn't feel, but it was nice that I got to see that she is using me as her punching bag. We also kept going back to the girly bits, and it was SO clear that she is a she! The tech said there was no mistaking that this is a girl and that we should feel free to shop.

After this we were all smiles and went to buy picture frames. We printed out "It's a girl" in the one for my sister and "Happy Mother's Day, Grandma" in the ones for our moms. The frames revealed the gender for those. And of course went shopping, and bought Number 2 some pink. I bought a dark pink skirt with ruffles and pleats and a bow, and it doesn't get more girly than that! Then Bill actually picked out an outfit that would be perfect to bring her home in. It is brown pants with pink and white polkadots and a onesie that has a brown and pink elephant on it, and it says, "Mommy loves me". I sure do!

Everyone was happy to hear that Number 2 is a girl, and I am getting more excited by the minute. I really thought it was a girl until a tech at 14 weeks guessed boy, and I assumed she saw something. Then since our last 3 ultrasounds were not clear, I had no idea. I will be returning the boy bedding we bought and already have a set ready to order that is both light and dark pink.

I missed my little boy on Mother's Day when he should have been spending it with me, but I am so happy that we decided to spend the day focusing on Number 2 as well. I'm sad that we won't get to use Gregory as a middle name for this baby, but it makes me very happy to think about Gregory having a little sister. I can't wait to tell her about her sweet brother.

Manageable Mother's Day

2009-05-09T23:49:00.004-05:00

I refuse to join the rest of the world and boast a loud "Happy Mother's Day". I know that Mother's Day will be absolutely NOT happy for many people, and my heart goes out to you all. I realize that about 98% of the population spits out that phrase easily and considers it a joyful compliment. The rest of us try not to cry each time those simple words are muttered. I will be thinking about everyone throughout the whole day whose hearts are heavy, and I wish you a manageable Mother's Day.

If you have suffered a loss, I know your precious babies will be on your mind and in your hurting heart. Be it 20 years ago, 8 months ago, or 3 days ago - you are a suffering mommy. If you have gone on to have 15 other children and amazingly whole lives, there will still always be one missing. And Mother's Day will always be a heartfelt reminder of your pain. I wish you a bearable Mother's Day.

There are women who will wake up and think all day long about how their lives should be different and what they would give to celebrate the day with their children. I will be one of these. Last year, my Mother's Day was not much better.

My heart will also be with everyone dealing with infertility. There will be many women who get overlooked on Mother's Day because they have not been able to join the "club" yet. They will honor their Mother's and other family members and put on a brave face, while they are broken inside. They will wish and pray that this will be the last year they suffer on this day designed to honor motherhood, which they want more than anything in the world. For all of you ladies who have to watch everyone else get honored and have beautiful children to celebrate with while you wait your turn, I wish you a manageable Mother's Day.

I have been in both of these categories - the silent sufferer... trying and waiting and wishing and praying to be blessed with motherhood - and the more obviously suffering mother who can't help but cry about what I SHOULD be doing at this moment in time and missing the baby I only held for one day. I am certainly hoping for a manageable Mother's Day. I am hopeful that next year will be much MORE manageable as I hope to have my Number 2 smiling at me and melting my heart. It is bittersweet to know, however, that Mother's Day will ALWAYS be a bit painful for me, because there will always be a certain boy named Gregory on my mind.

Quick vent - I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but I am so tired of hearing that I will be a great mother. While I appreciate that judgment and hope it is true, I can't help but cringe internally. I AM a mother. I may not get to watch my baby grow or teach him to read, but I am doing everything I can to be the best mother to Gregory that I can be. And every time I hear that I WILL make a great mother, it just makes me realize that, to these people, I am not a mother yet, and then reminds me of what SHOULD be happening right now. I have heard this from a few people, and on Easter a family member talked about how "cute" I would be as a mother. Being a "cute" mother is the last thing on my mind. I got a Mother's Day card that is made out to a "Mother to be". VERY SWEET that I got this card, but I can't help but get a knot in my heart hearing/reading that. I guess because Mother's Day is upon me, I've been hearing this more, but that comment which is meant to be positive, doesn't feel like a compliment.

My lovely husband decided at the store that he would pick out a Mother's Day Card for me and then have me read it before we left so we didn't have to pay for it. Oh that Billy, what a jokester. While he likes to annoy me, he also made me feel very wonderful. He followed up with, "I guess I would need to pick out two cards, one for being a mom soon and one for already being a mom". This sounds stupid, but that tiny comment validated my position as Gregory's mother and made me, again, so grateful that I am married to this guy. And I guess it doesn't matter much what other people think about my "status" when the opinion that matters most anyway, is that of Gregory's daddy.

I am thankful to be Gregory's mother and also Number 2's mother. While I certainly wish this was NOT the way things turned out, I would rather have my two babies than the alternative. I would love to rewrite history and allow Gregory to live and be here with me, but that is not possible. And since I'm not in charge of writing or re-writing history, I much prefer to be a mother with memories and pictures and a dead baby, than not a mother at all.

Movement

2009-05-04T23:52:00.003-05:00

Unrelated words - Thank you, everyone, for your support. I feel very fortunate to have made such close friends with so many DBM who actually understand. I'm feeling much better thanks to a new day and all of your kind words. -

I gained a pound in like 3 days. I was pretty bummed about that until I saw tonight's belly picture. My bump has really grown. Bill confirmed this when he showed up at the studio tonight and said, "you're huge!" While not tactfully stated, I can't say that I don't agree with him.

Number 2 is officially 20w3d old. A week and a half ago my fundal height was measuring 20 weeks and the baby has been measuring at least a week ahead for a long time now. I can't imagine that this growth is slowing down any time soon.

I've had an irrational fear that the baby will die before next Wednesday. I'm not sure where this has come from, but we have our appointment that morning and then are going out of state for a wedding. I keep having these thoughts that we will find out on Wednesday that the baby has died and then we will have to decide how to handle the wedding. I really hope this is more of a silly fear than a case of intuition.

As of now everything is fine. I have been using the doppler, and we are able to find Number 2's heartbeat right away each time. And then there is the movement. Wait, no, there is no movement! I have an anterior placenta meaning that the placenta provides a cushion between the baby and my belly, making it difficult to feel him/her. I'm not technically worried about this, because I know the reason why I'm not feeling anything, but I can help but be disappointed. I would really enjoy the reassurance that most mommies get to experience at this point! But OF COURSE I would have an anterior placenta. It isn't dangerous or bad, just ANOTHER item to deal with.

Now having said that, I HAVE felt movement. I have, for a while now, felt flutters and small movements or tiny pokes. However, my unhealthy brain refuses to believe that I am feeling the baby. I know that sounds strange, but I cannot be SURE it the baby. It could always be gas or hunger pains or my food digesting or my organs floating around and knocking into each other! Kidding, of course. Yes, logically I know that most of the time it is probably Number 2 dancing away...but for some reason my mind doesn't let me get too excited about this if it isn't FOR REAL. I think I will feel better when the kicks are stronger or when I start allowing myself to blame the kid instead of making up silly excuses for my feelings.

I do realize this is further proof that I am, like a fruitcake, nutty. My brain doesn't function properly, and my feelings and emotions do not allow me to think rationally. This fact and a good friend have convinced me to seek counseling. I have been very afraid to speak with someone, because I feel like a failure for not being able to deal with this loss on my own. I also have been afraid that talking to a counselor would mean that my feelings are not normal. I am coming to realize that it might be okay to talk to someone even though these feelings ARE normal. I thought people were trying to tell me that I'm grieving in the wrong ways or that my feelings aren't normal or that I am taking too long to deal with things. But I'm recognizing that I, myself, am ready to have better days and that just because I will talk to a counselor, doesn't mean I am a failure. Hopefully that is the case, because I'm opening up to the idea and almost looking forward to talking with someone.

I'm going to go lay in bed and feel more "hunger or gas pains". Again - thank you for all of your support. I needed to hear those things, and I am better already because of it. We should have some kind of DBM get together...pick the state that is centrally located and make a weekend of it. I'm dreaming, but that does sound lovely.

Furious

2009-05-03T21:54:00.002-05:00

Vent: This post is being written out of pure frustration and grief. This is not a typical "Holly" post. I HATE to whine and complain when things could be worse for me and are worse for others. I also realize that most people would be shocked to hear how much I am STILL hurting 8 months after my loss, especially while I have a new baby on the way. Well, sorry folks, but I can't help it. And though it may drive people to have a worse opinion of me, I don't know how to channel this rage I'm feeling other than by jotting down these words.

I have noticed that my updates about Number 2 seem to receive more comments than my posts about Gregory or my pain. Maybe people are more comfortable speaking about a living child. Maybe people are "tired" of the Gregory story. Whatever the case, I hate noticing this. I feel guilty enough even posting about Number 2 when this is the only place I get to focus on Gregory. Yes, I am happy to be pregnant. I am not happy AND pregnant. I am happy THAT I am pregnant. I can imagine this pain I'm dealing with would be a million times worse if I didn't have the hope and "promise" of a living baby in my arms only months from now. This baby is and will be more loved than a human could possibly need to be loved, but this pregnancy has not washed away the pain of loss. It has not "fixed" my life or filled any void that Gregory left. There is NOTHING that can replace him.

I hate who I have become and am so freaking angry about how things have turned out. I am jealous and insecure and lonely and hurt. It isn't fair that this is what life has become for me. I thought the physical loss of my baby was the main source of my pain, but I am learning that these after-affects I am dealing with suck just as much.

I am jealous. I hate that I can't just be happy for others who have their gorgeous kids and families. I AM happy for them, but I am not JUST happy for them. I am also so envious it hurts. I look at beautiful pictures of children or hear about another pregnancy and I feel a stab in the heart. I can't help but let my mind sink. I wonder why it couldn't have been that easy for me, or why people get to enjoy two children when I am not even positive I will get one, or what it is that these people did to deserve LIVING children, or wish that I could also talk to them about Gregory or show them my pictures of him and knowing I can't. I keep my mouth shut. I behave myself. But I'm TIRED of having these thoughts. I'm tired of hurting over something that everyone else gets to smile about. I'm tired of avoiding friends or family who are having their babies and dreading these happy pregnancy announcements and talk. I know this sounds very selfish and rude, but I can't help that my experiences have led me to feel this way. I would give anything to be carefree again.

I am insecure. I hope and pray that when I am out I will not see anyone I know...and I don't go out often. I am always wondering who knows what happened to me and who doesn't and how I can avoid uncomfortable conversations. I want so much to talk about Gregory but am afraid to be the person who brings up uncomfortable or upsetting topics. I know that most people would rather NOT think about my loss, and so I try to pretend I am alright. I never tell anyone how I am really doing. When they ask me how I am and I respond with "fine", I wonder if they believe me and hope they don't, but also hope they don't inquire further...while at the same time hoping they do. I have nightmares a few times a week. My moods are incredibly inconsistent. I have great days full of fun and feel good. But then I have days, like today, where I can't seem to stop my eyes from crying. I'm sick of this cycle. I want to be able to enjoy life consistently, but if having fun days means terrible days will follow, I'd rather not bother with it. I hate getting my picture taken because my smile feels unnatural. I dread parties and events instead of looking forward to them and can't motivate myself to do anything. Some days I love teaching and dancing, others I would rather cry in bed all day long. I just want some sort of a LIFE back. A life with a 3 month old would be a bit more ideal. If my Number 2 could ACTUALLY be my second baby, that would be nice.

I am alone. I feel like everyone is impatiently tapping their feet waiting for me to "accept" what has happened to me and get over it. I think people are waiting for the old Holly to return. Lots of people don't even talk to me anymore. Maybe they don't know what to say. Maybe they don't know how to address the loss. Maybe they think I am spending too much time mourning, and they don't want to think about anything sad. Maybe they are afraid they won't like who I have become, or maybe they have decided they don't. I'm grateful for the people who I do still consider close in my life, and especially those who speak to me about Gregory. I used to have so many supporters...people who admired my work with the dancers or who loved learning from me. This whole past year has been one pile of suckiness. There were tiny spurts of good things that occurred, but these were unfortunately drowned in more suckiness. A bunch of people supported the studio and participated in the fun. I lost them. I coached a dance team for 7 years and loved my girls. I lost them. Not just because I resigned, but because for whatever reason, they also decided to lose contact with me. They don't care to speak to me or dance with me, which is what I counted on to be able to deal with not coaching anymore. I was FINALLY pregnant with the baby I've wanted my whole life. I lost him. It feels like everything is related, but even if they aren't, in the past 8 months I have lost my child, my dancers, my supporters and my friends. It seems like everyone felt sorry for me in the beginning and then when I didn't heal fast enough, they got annoyed and disconnected with me. I do have a handful of amazing family, friends and dancers who have stuck with me and who make me smile (a hard task these days). I appreciate them more than I can possibly say, but it feels like the majority of what I thought I had, is now lost. I have never felt so alone.

I am hurt. I feel like the whole world is spinning around me with happy faces and laughing people, and I am stuck just watching it all and wishing I could join in. I cannot believe how much this little boy has changed me. I know I will always be Gregory's mother, but I am surprised that I am still suffering so much. I'm sure it is a surprise to everyone else as well, because I am such a "closed" book. But I can't help but open the book tonight. I'm just upset at how unfair this whole ordeal is. I will always be hurt when people ask me how many children I have and I have to decide whether or not to give an honest answer. I will always be jealous at how easily pregnancy and healthy babies come to other people. I will always punch people in my mind when they explain that everything happens for a reason or that it wasn't meant to be. I will forever feel sadness on holidays because even though I will (fingers crossed) share the experience with Number 2, there will always be one missing. I will always feel pain on my birthday, Gregory's birthday, Gregory's due date, and two hundred days between. There will always be pain associated with family pictures and birth stories and probably a bunch of other things I haven't thought of yet and won't know until they hit me. Why does it have to be this way? I lost my baby, my personality changed for the worse, I lost friends and supporters, and things that are normal for everyone else will never feel the same for me. Pregnancy, for example, for myself and the news of everyone else, will not be the innocent joy it should be. I'd rather be naive.

And

If I see one more Mother's Day commercial, I WILL break the TV. And then what will I do when I am hiding from the world in my house crying all day?

Biology

2009-04-28T22:56:00.002-05:00

I've been really missing my little boy lately. I'm not sure why certain days seem to be harder than others, but that is definitely still the case. I'm relieved that Number 2 is doing well at the moment, but behind all the excitement I allow myself to muster up for this baby, is guilt. I am thrilled at the idea that I might actually bring this baby home and get to kiss him/her every hour of the day, but in a perfect world I would be bringing this child home to meet his/her older brother, Gregory. I feel guilty that I've already been able to give Number 2 more of my time than I was able to give my first son. And even when I'm not feeling guilty, I'm sad. I have dreams about the world forgetting my baby. I love to know that people are excited about Number 2, but can't help but realize that Gregory is a part of the past for everyone else. Sigh...I still surprise myself by how much I love and am affected by Gregory's life and death. If this is how I feel about the baby I held for only one day, I can't even imagine how a mother must feel to watch her baby breathe and smile and learn.

I read on another DBM blog that studies were done to show that fetal DNA from every pregnancy stays in the mother's blood stream for her whole life. I imagine that some people might think this is strange or insignificant, but it means so much to me right now. To think that some of Gregory will be with me for all time is amazing. There are so few opportunities I get to feel like his mother because as I walk around alone, nobody would guess that I have a son. I did a quick google search and found a study proving this to be true. I didn't read any other studies, because, honestly, I don't want to prove this one wrong. It is incredible how a tiny biological fact/concept can make me feel more deeply connected to the baby boy who I miss every day.

Update

2009-04-26T18:52:00.004-05:00

The two hours we spent at the doctors' appointment seem to have done some good, for my peace of mind at least. I found out that my doctor originally thought I should have been put on baby aspirin as a precaution (per my results) and she checked with the MFM for his opinion. He didn't see a reason for this, because the level wasn't low enough to indicate it was related to the last loss or cause him much worry about another loss. She gave me her medical opinion that this lower level of Protein S is most likely due to pregnancy, and she does NOT think this is the issue that caused Gregory's placental abruption. She said that there would most likely have been older, smaller clots behind the placenta if it was due to a clotting disorder, and I had just one huge clot that caused the "fetal demise" very quickly. Whatever. I understand the reasoning behind most everything that she said, but also reminded her that if we don't take precautions and something goes wrong, I am the one who will end up with another dead baby and the guilt of "knowing" this was an issue. In the end, she does not think it is worth the risk to begin Levonex, but baby aspirin was on her mind as well. To make me feel like I am being more proactive in protecting Number 2, she wants me to take 81mg of aspirin daily and, even though she doesn't think it is worth the risk, will allow me to start Levonex if I feel it is necessary. I started the aspirin. Based on my research and my specific levels, I will NOT insist on the Levonex at this time, however I am SOOOOO happy that she ultimately left the decision up to me. I appreciate that she gave me the facts about my situation and her medical opinion, but will allow me to have control over the procedures and steps we take to ensure the best outcome. This is exactly what I wanted to hear. I didn't want to hear that she will just succumb to my wishes without explaining the risks involved and her opposing opinion. And I certainly didn't want her telling me NO, that we cannot be proactive in treating the situation even though I can't be officially diagnosed Protein S deficient until after this pregnancy.

I also listed my concerns about the staff and gave her dates and details about the things that should have been done and were not. She made some excuses (Billy refers to them as rationalizations) for a couple situations, but did apologize. She also made it clear to me that I can leave a message on her personal phone line at the office and she will deal with situations I need dealt with and promised to speak with the staff about the issues with sending orders & returning phone calls. I made it clear that we were very disappointed and would be in the market for a new OB, because I felt my situations weren't being handled professionally. The facts that she sat and talked with me for over an hour, I liked how we came to the decision to treat with aspirin, and that she will be speaking with the office about their actions - led us to decide that we are willing to give them one more chance. She knows we will be watching them and said that if I didn't bring up these issues, she wouldn't have known why she lost a patient, but can now deal with them to make sure things go more smoothly.

I'm still worried about Number 2, and I will be for the rest of my life (or his/hers), but I am not feeling as much like a ticking time bomb. I am upset that we are dealing with this issue, but glad we are DEALING with this issue...if that makes sense. An aspirin a day will be a reminder that I'm doing what I can to protect this baby. I'm sure more issues will arise in the future. I'm only halfway done with this pregnancy, and my list is long already! I'm just hoping that Number 2 is delivered safely and that all of this can be told to him/her in funny stories someday about how difficult things were before he/she was even born.

Speaking of difficult, yes, we had our 8th ultrasound. The baby was breach and the doctor had a hard time getting any shots that weren't of his/her spine. When she was finally able to get a money shot, the entire cord was between the legs so there was no telling boy or girl! My next appointment with the MFM is May 13th, but I'm going to try to move it up, since we have more to discuss.

This picture is already a week old, from 18w2d, but I have decided that if I lose this baby, I want there to be as much documentation and proof of the happiness that he/she brought to me while carrying him/her.

Fan-Freaking-Tastic

2009-04-22T12:47:00.002-05:00

It seems like every time I make an upbeat and halfway positive post, something happens to kill the mood.

A nurse called to let me know that my bloodwork (from weeks ago) came back, and I am anemic. They had a prescription waiting for me at my pharmacy as of Monday for a supplement to fix the anemia. No problem. I'm fine with this. I know it can be common for pregnant women to be anemic, so I am not worried.

She calls back a few minutes later to discuss other results (from the same sample). She said she had in her notes that the doctor called and talked to be about them already, but she wanted to follow up. Well, NO, I have not spoken with the doctor. Not about this or the other issues I tried talking to her about. I left 3 messages for the doctor to call me when we were having issues getting into the MFM because the office failed to fax the orders they were supposed to...but that is a different story. Bottom line - no, I don't know about any bloodwork results.

Apparently in my thrombophilia workup, my Protein S levels were low. The low side of acceptable is 60 and mine is under 50. She says that I need to be tested again when I'm not pregnant anymore and then basically hung up. WOAH. Back the truck up. A quick google search of Protein S deficiency had me freaking out within minutes. From what I have gathered, (on my own, as I have not spoken with the doctor as it was stated in the nurse's notes)...

Protein S deficiency causes blood clots and is most dangerous when the body is under stress such as in old age or during pregnancy. It is not shown to increase the risk of miscarriage, but is most associated with fetal loss later in pregnancy. Awesome. There are lots of other scary things I read that I don't feel like repeating, but it doesn't matter...I need to figure out what to do about this.

Protein S deficiency cannot be diagnosed during pregnancy because the pregnancy can cause lower levels on its own. To be properly diagnosed you have to be tested when NOT pregnant. Most people during pregnancy with this deficiency are put on Levonex, which is a blood thinner as soon as they get a positive beta. I think the fact that the nurse suggested I get it checked again when I'm NOT pregnant, means the doctors are not worried half as much as I think they should be. When I'm NOT pregnant could be much sooner than I want.

I was told in the hospital that they took my blood to be tested for clotting disorders. That is all I was told. I heard that things were normal, and at my six week post-partum check up they still didn't have all the results sent to them from the lab, but so far everything was fine. I don't remember ever hearing about the final results, but assumed I would be told if something was abnormal. My OB said the RE would most likely want to do further testing. He said no further testing was necessary. So here I am, pregnant again, and feeling like I'm on the same horrendous path as the last time. My mind was all over the place in the hospital because I had just delivered a dead baby, but I never asked for the exact names of the tests done and what my levels were. Was it "normal" because my body was still pregnant and they used that as an explanation for lower levels found? Was this test even done then? Why wasn't it done later when I wasn't pregnant?

I read that they will not usually treat you for Protein S deficiency unless you have a history of a blood clot or incredibly low levels. Some doctors consider 35 to be low and some consider 45 to be low. Who knows what my doctor thinks, but I'm under fifty, so that is just great. At first I was thinking I wouldn't get the help I need because I don't have a history of a blood clot. And then I was like, WAIT, uh, yes I did. And it cost me my baby's life. I am very concerned about this and need to DO something about it. I lost Gregory due to an unexplained placental abruption. Now my levels are low for a genetic disorder that causes placental abruptions. Perhaps it is not so "unexplained". At any rate, I don't want to just sit here and wait to lose another baby before we consider this to be a problem. I'm not prepared for another "fetal loss later in pregnancy". I feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm walking on eggshells, living on borrowed time, and I am not confident I can keep this baby safe.

I called my MFM doctor right away to try and move my appointment (3 weeks away) up and explained the lower level. Not surprisingly, they have yet to receive these bloodwork results and need to see them before the doctor can decide when to see me and what to do. I called my doctor and left a message with the nurse. I demanded copies of EVERY test that was performed in the hospital and afterward and also that they fax the results to the MFM immediately. And wouldn't you know, I did NOT hear back from them. I called again today and am still waiting to hear from SOMEBODY. And then, as if this isn't enough to anger me, Bill went to pick up my prescription for the anemia meds and the pharmacy NEVER received the order. Isn't that interesting?!

I refuse to sit here and let other people (doctors or not) decide that this issue is not serious enough to deal with right away. I'm tired of it taking 3 days to get a returned phone call from the nurse and NEVER a call from the doctor. I'm tired of being unable to make appointments and get prescriptions I need because the office never faxes orders like they are supposed to. I'm already dreaming of the lawsuit I will have on my hands if I lose this baby before they decide to respond to me. I have an appointment on Friday (please let me make it to Friday) where I will bring up all of these issues. As much as I like my doctor, I cannot put my unborn child's life in the hands of an office that doesn't know how to operate professionally. Needless to say, I am furious. I am shaking and nervous. I am without answers. And I am in the market for a new OB.

Small, sad world

2009-04-19T23:55:00.003-05:00

My dance studio has been open for 8 months. We still don't have a lot of students, but I've enjoyed getting to know all the families we do have. I appreciate everyone bringing their kids to dance, but there are certain parents who just stand out above the rest. When I see these people, I think that we would get along well or that our parenting philosophies are similar (even though I don't have a living child yet) or that I just really like them for some hidden reason. I have a new mom, who I love, and we ended up alone to chat in the studio the other day. Here is how the conversation went...

Her: When are you due?

Me: September

Her: Congrats. I am due in August.

Me: Oh, congrats. I didn't know that.

Her: Yeah, I haven't made it too public. Do you know what you are having?

Me: No. We have had 7 ultrasounds, and we still don't know. We have gotten guesses for boy and girl. I thought for sure it was a girl at first, because this pregnancy is so different than with my son, but now I have no idea.

Her: I have had lots of ultrasounds also, and we just finally found out I am having a boy.

Me: Oh. (Cautiously) Are you high risk?

Her: I lost a baby last year, so they are being extra careful with monitoring.

Me: I'm so sorry. How far along were you?

Her: 4.5 months

Me: Oh. Me too. I lost my son around the same time in September.

Her: I lost my baby in September too. I was surprised to be pregnant again and now we are all being really careful.

- We continued to chat about our losses and pregnancies and even discuss boy baby names. She mentioned that she is online a lot and has found support from people that way. How is it possible that I have so much in common with this woman? We both lost our babies in September, at the same general gestation and are pregnant again at the same time, and we both live rely on internet friends for comfort. She didn't deliver her baby from a placental abruption, though. They didn't find a heartbeat at her ultrasound and she had to have a d&c. So sad.

Anyway, I hate that she has dealt with this pain and that there are so many women in this sad club. But I love that someone who I see on a regular basis has such a personal matter in common with me. I knew I liked her! That makes 3 women at the studio who have lost their precious babies too soon, two in the 2nd trimester and 1 in the third. So sad...yes...but it made me happy to talk to her. I think this is just one of those things that you never understand unless you have been through it, and it feels so intimate and personal to specifically understand the suffering of others. I know I feel that way about all the deadbaby mommies on the internet, but it is surreal to look a woman in the face and KNOW what she has been through.

It's a.......

2009-04-15T23:53:00.003-05:00

BABY! Our ultrasound showed that Number 2 is, in fact, a baby. The appointment went well. His measurements were all fine, and his heart was beating away. My cervix is closed and measured 4.91 which is wonderful! This proved that the entire day of contractions did not change my cervix which is what I was so worried about. I did get yelled at for not coming in to the hospital. Apparently the MFM wants me to come to L & D if my contractions do not go away after an hour of laying down and drinking water, blood or not. This is different than I was told the night I actually spent in Labor and Delivery, but I will certainly follow these rules. The peri, who was super nice, said that I am not at risk for PTL right now, but will see me again to check on things in 4 weeks. He said that some women, unfortunately, have contractions during their pregnancy (irritable uterus) which do not change the cervix. The problem is that since I can't check my own cervix (he recommended I don't try), we can't be sure whether labor is progressing or not. I should come in if I am in pain and it doesn't go away, just to be safe. I'm fine with that!

We did NOT get to find out pink or blue. Ever since our last u/s, I have been convinced Number 2 is a boy because the tech thought she saw something, and it was the most recent scan. Now I have NO idea! We didn't see any boy parts, but we also didn't see any clear proof that it is a girl either, and now the baby is measuring over 18 weeks. If it was obviously a boy, I would "think" we would see something, but who knows. Now I feel like it could go either way, though we are still referring to him as "he". Billy was more bummed we didn't find out than I was, which surprised me. He made a big deal about waiting 4 more weeks and said it would drive us crazy. Then he added, "or is it just me?" It was cute. I am anxious to know as well, but I'm just too relieved that things are looking good to be disappointed with anything!

This picture is terrible but is from 17w2d, and I'm trying to keep things documented. It was a rough, rough weekend, but I'm feeling some relief and excitement. Number 2 is healthy and ALIVE!

"most pregnant"

2009-04-13T23:14:00.003-05:00

I am officially more pregnant than I have ever been. I wish this fact would erase all my fears and calm my nerves. It doesn't. I'm happy to have made it this far keeping Number 2 safe, but honestly, I'm not throwing any parties yet. I know of 7 different women from blogging and the message boards who have had more than one 2nd/3rd trimester loss and 3 of them have lost 3 babies! I'm sure these women had a moment in their subsequent pregnancy when they were "most pregnant," and they probably felt some sense of relief only to be heartbroken all over again. Some people have to endure horrendous loss again and again, and it is not fair. I would love to believe that everything will work out for me, and a lot of the time I really do believe that it will. But if a small statistic of deadbaby mamas end up suffering another loss, I know I can easily make my way into that group. My body doesn't like to cooperate with me, no matter how important the task at hand.

Nobody should ever have to lose their baby. I think women who dealt with infertility should REALLY never lose their babies, and it should be absolutely illegal for mothers to suffer more than one loss. But it isn't. Having too much information and knowing too much has gotten me in trouble lately, and this is one of those instances. I want more than anything to have a healthy baby in a few months. But I know that just because I already lost Gregory doesn't mean I won't lose this child, and I know it doesn't matter how badly you want to have a healthy baby, you just may not. With my luck, I will just start to feel better about making it to this point and THEN I will lose the baby... even later than I lost Gregory. This will make my "most pregnant" title nothing but a joke.

I have no control over the outcome of this pregnancy. I should take this information and run with it. I should just relax and enjoy myself knowing that I cannot affect the final results, but I can't help but worry. I think I'm trying to protect myself from the hurt that I am WAY to familiar with if this ends badly.

I have an appointment with the Peri tomorrow, and I am hoping for a lot of reassurance. Once I learn that my fears are worse than they need to be, I will relax. I just want to take it one day at a time and be thankful for every day that my baby is still alive.

Easter

2009-04-13T00:04:00.002-05:00

Oh boy. I guess I wasn't prepared for today. I've already celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas NOT pregnant with Gregory, but today was the first major holiday that he should have been here with us. I knew I would think about it at some point during the day, but I didn't know it would be at the forefront of my every thought.

I can remember when we were trying to get pregnant and dealing with that struggle, that holidays were tough. Bill and I would talk about how much better these days would be when we could celebrate with our own children. I have to say it hurts MUCH worse trying to "celebrate" without your children when you are SUPPOSED to have one. It won't make sense to anyone who hasn't lost a baby, but I miss Gregory. I didn't get to experience much of anything as his mother, but I miss what we are supposed to be experiencing now.

I started thinking about him early this morning, as I was still having contractions, but rather than turn my thoughts to other family or events, I continued to mourn as I went through the "holiday" motions. My tears were just a blink away every minute of the day, but I was able to successfully put on my game face and not make anyone else uncomfortable. I am happy to report that Number 2 is still moving and grooving, but the excitement about this next baby doesn't overshadow the sadness over the loss I continue to experience as I adjust to life without Gregory. The comment was made today that "aw, this is baby's first Easter". Ouch. Of course this person didn't mean to offend me, but this is not Number 2's first Easter. He or she is safely snuggled in my belly and does not get any extra thrill from the holiday. It should have been my baby's first Easter, though... my first baby's. I wonder how long these comments will sting. Hopefully the next holiday won't be so rough and several weeks from now when Number 2 is born (alive...please), I will be so caught up and in love with that little squirming one in my arms that my happiness can override the sadness. Now all I have to do is make it through this pregnancy, though I have realized it won't be without complications!

My uterus is still being irritable, although I am not in as much pain as yesterday. I decided to stay close to the hospital today and not travel much. We also used the doppler to listen to Number 2's heartbeat, and I was able to find it within 2 seconds. Mommy really appreciates that quick reassurance. Today was full of enough emotion and pain, that I was happy to skimp out on some of the nervousness and fright from yesterday's episode. I don't think there is enough room in my heart to deal with all of these emotions at once.

still trucking

2009-04-11T21:43:00.003-05:00

I am still here. I have been in bed all evening and drinking my water. The contractions seem to be less frequent and hurt much worse when I'm sitting up, which I do not understand. The game plan is to keep laying down and hope things pass uneventfully.

I can't help but worry about the fact that I have been in pain since I woke up and it is STILL with me, but I'm not bleeding. We were able to find Number 2's heartbeat on the doppler, and this is precisely the reason we bought it. It just feels so much better to know that after worrying and thinking the worst, the baby is unaware of my stress and healthy. I do know how quickly that can change, because Gregory's heartbeat was still perfect up until the last half hour of his life, so that makes me nervous. BUT - I am in my own home, and at this point last time I was in the ER. And I'm NOT bleeding, and at this point last time I was bleeding so much it looked like a crime scene.

I'm fine dealing with all of this if it turns out to be nothing. It is just tough not really knowing that it will turn out to be nothing. And I wish it wasn't happening at this exact POINT in the pregnancy, because it makes me miss Gregory more and relive those horrible events in my head. Tomorrow should be his first major holiday, by the way. We should be giving him his Easter basket full of baby toys and getting him all dolled up to go visit with family. In the shape I am in now, I will be lucky if I make it out of bed tomorrow.

of course...

2009-04-11T14:01:00.002-05:00

Today I have reached the point in my pregnancy that I lost Gregory. I planned to make a post about how tough this day was and how happy I am to still be pregnant. I was feeling pretty positive about it. And then as I was sitting in the car doubled over in pain from contractions, I realized that I am the butt of the biggest universe joke ever, and OF COURSE this day will not turn out as I planned.

I woke up early this morning with painful contractions at regular intervals and they were pretty strong. I have been able to breathe through them and not lose my mind. I've checked about 65 times, and I am not bleeding, but I do have watery CM...which is a sign of a miscarriage. I cannot check my cervix to be sure that it is making no changes, but I am hoping for the best. As of now I am STILL pregnant, but I've been in pain for 6 hours and can't help but remember that this is exactly how I felt, at this exact point in my last pregnancy.

Please pray that this just proves that my irritable uterus is irritable AND cruel, and that someday I will laugh about this.

Anti-social

2009-04-07T23:13:00.003-05:00

I really hate who I have become. I know that I have changed a lot from dealing with infertility and depression, but Gregory's loss has really transformed the woman who used to be Holly. I am not carefree or relaxed or laid back. When I'm around people, even the ones I know and love, I have a hard time figuring out what to say and how to act. It is much worse with strangers. When I am in a social setting, I feel awkward and like I am walking on eggshells. I am constantly trying to avoid all conversations about children and pregnancies. This is hard to do when your pregnant belly is a natural conversation starter. My feelings get hurt by things people would never dream to be offensive, and I never feel like I can contribute to a conversation. I am constantly biting my tongue and trying to decide when I should chime in so as not to seem completely rude or standoffish. Most of the time I have a comment or response brewing in my head...but these replies are not what the normal and untroubled people want to hear, so I sit alone with my thoughts. I wish I could consciously check my pain at the door, but I am still suffering. The changes made to my mind and heart are severe and permanent. I guess I need to get used to this new anti-social Holly. I don't enjoy myself, and I don't enjoy the fact that I can't enjoy myself.

What a Mess

2009-03-31T20:51:00.003-06:00

I am such a mess. I am having major sleep issues because I cannot get comfortable. My back has been hurting more lately, my husband snores loud enough to wake the neighbors, I can't lay on my back or belly but get so antsy on my sides, I have to pee every two hours but can't stop drinking water because I have an insatiable desire for ice water, our bed is too high up so my feet don't touch the floor (meaning I have to get up in a more painful manner) and my mind does not know how to turn itself off. I feel so guilty making any complaints about pregnancy when I have wanted this for so long, but I didn't do much of any complaining last pregnancy and look how it turned out! I feel bad whining about these issues because I am lucky to be pregnant and wouldn't want these gripes to be taken away from me (again), but tonight I am more of a mess than usual.

Bill has gone for his second sleep study so he is spending the night miles from home. For some reason, my big breakdowns always happen when he isn't here. I do have things to stress about in my life, but everything just seems so much worse when he isn't here or I can't talk to him. You would think that I would get a better night of sleep without the snoring, but I seem to have much more anxiety in a big bed all by myself. I know that I am insecure and lonely too often, but it seems like all the things I can successfully hold back explode when Billy is not with me. I realize that this sounds dependent and pathetic, but I think it has gotten worse since losing Gregory. I'm still on this obnoxious emotional roller coaster. I have more happy days than awful, but everything can still change in an instant, and how I feel from one moment to the next is rarely the same. I will be fine. I just need to get through this night and stop myself from thinking sad thoughts.

Thanks for commenting on my last post. You people are all really good liars if you don't mean those kind words you said about my big belly! I'm glad to hear people like the bedding. I love it and think it will be perfect for a little boy. I DO agree that it COULD be gender neutral. But anyone who knows me, knows better than to assume that a baby girl of mine will sleep in anything but the pinkest of pinks!

a Smile

2009-03-30T22:26:00.006-06:00

I feel guilty because I haven't started taking belly pictures of Number 2 yet. Here is a picture of me from 15w2d. It is the end of my dancing night, and I am sweaty...but you can see how huge I am. My belly was never this big with Gregory, and my boobs, which have always been big, have never been this enormous! Number 2 has been measuring about a week ahead for a while now, but mommy is measuring much bigger! I am living proof that second pregnancies show MUCH faster and especially if it is very soon after the first pregnancy. Hopefully soon I will start to look more pregnant than just fat, although this picture doesn't help that cause. I am wearing a leotard so everything is all smashed together, and I look less proportionate than I normally do! The belly actually sticks out more than this when not strapped in.

My uterus has been behaving itself the past couple of days, so I appreciate that. I DID buy the baby bedding. I bought the bedding set, mobile, artwork and lamp. I ended up spending money, but by buying it now when the store put it all on clearance, I saved about $165.00. I feel like a bargain hunter! I will post a link to a picture of the set. It is WAY better in person. Keep in mind that we only bought some of the items, and we will do more solid colors with the walls and other decor so that the nursery doesn't look as busy as this picture does. You will have to copy and paste because I am challenged. Here goes...

http://www.cocalo.com/item.asp?id=324&brand=6&g=0&coll=324&cat=1

I have a Level II u/s scheduled for April 14th, two weeks from Tuesday. We should get a pink or blue confirmation at that point. The ultrasonographer at the NT Scan guessed girl, but the tech in L & D guessed boy. We shall see!

Jinx

2009-03-26T23:08:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I am so illogical. My brain knows I am being irrational, but my emotions get the best of me, and I can't help but think what I feel...if that makes sense! I know that there are other deadbaby mamas who have similar worries, but I am afraid of jinxing myself. Sometimes I think that if I get too excited about Number 2, I will maximize the chances of losing him/her. I am afraid that if I don't prepare for the worst, I am putting too much trust into my body, and I will lose the baby just because I am doomed to be the negative statistic of every situation.

I am afraid that if I buy things for Number 2, that I am going to jinx myself and put his life in jeopardy. I know that sounds silly, but I can't help it. I don't believe that there is a "reason" that I lost my son or that it is God's plan for me to suffer this pain or that he would have lived if it was "meant to be". I just think terrible things can happen to good people. So why do I sit here and worry about being jinxed? It is certainly not rational, not that I ever claim to have mastered the use of rationale.

I have compiled my favorite nursery bedding sets/themes and held onto them for future use. Yesterday I found my #1 choice (for a boy) on major clearance at the store because BRU will only be selling it online now. So the set that costs $250 is now just over $100 and every accent piece is marked really low as well. No - I do not know for sure that Number 2 is a boy yet...but I should know within a few weeks. If I wait until I find out, these items will be gone. We will have to find something else or spend twice as much money by ordering it online or getting it from somewhere else. They do accept returns on clearance items, but for only 90 days. We will definitely know boy or girl within that time period, so I should be able to return it and buy the pinkest of pinks if we are having a girl. But what about after 90 days? What happens if I deliver another sleeping baby? With my luck, I will lose Number 2 exactly 91 days after buying the set. But then I'm stuck with happy baby stuff and sad, empty arms. Will my family be putting this purchase in another huge box and hiding it like they did with Gregory's stuff so I don't have to come home to it? It seems like such a huge savings and a chance I can't pass up, but we aren't saving any money if we end up not having a baby to use this stuff.

Please tell me that I am being silly... and that making a purchase like is smart parenting...that it will not jinx and kill my baby.

Irritable Holly

2009-03-24T20:57:00.003-06:00

Sunday night we ended up in Labor and Delivery. I wasn't feeling good so I laid on the couch, and something just didn't feel right. I started getting really crampy and then was getting painful contraction like pains. I drank water and laid in bed. We were able to time them at 3-4 minutes apart for about an hour, and I had to breathe through them. My doctor told me to go straight to L&D if anything happened so we did. Then they tried telling me they wouldn't see me because the baby was too young for them to deal with so I had to go to the ER. I started crying and apparently that was a pitiful sight to see because they got me in a room. I had a u/s and cervical checks and was tested for infections. Everything came out fine and my cervix is long and closed so I'm not going into labor. I was sent home still having contractions but at least feeling relieved because Number 2 was safe for the time being.

My contractions were gone on Monday morning but came back that evening. I'm starting to get crampy now but have had a relatively calm day, so I'm happy about that.

I saw my OB Monday and she isn't worried because I am not dilating yet. She also said that if I do start to see cervical changes, there is nothing they will do until at least 18 weeks...no meds to stop the contractions. I can understand the reason behind that, I guess, but I really feeling like I am living on borrowed time. So now the plan is to wait it out and hope the contractions go away or don't affect the cervix.

I might just have Irritable Uterus. This is a situation where a woman feels uterine contractions throughout the pregnancy but they do not stimulate labor. I plan to talk to the MFM doctors about this at length because a lot of the symptoms seem to resemble exactly what is happening to me. I don't mind the pain and will welcome a diagnosis as long as I can be confident that Number 2 is safe. Many people with IU are at risk for preterm labor, which is scary. I'm going to try not to worry until I talk to the specialist, and I will keep track of the contractions so I am prepared with that information.

As strange as it sounds, I wish I could check my own darn cervix. It would be nice to not have to run to L&D or the doctor for checks or sit at home not knowing if I'm putting my baby in danger.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed that the irritability of my uterus does not provide me with another sleeping baby but can be just another bump in the road to a healthy Number 2.

Belly Talk

2009-03-21T23:24:00.003-06:00

I've been spending a lot of time with my niece lately. She is 2 and the most brilliant and beautiful toddler I know! I have loved every minute of watching her grow up and love her silly personality. She has such a great memory now. We started talking about there being a baby in Holly's tummy. Now she talks about it every time we are together. She tries to look in my shirt and I explain to her that she can't see the baby. One time she was staring at my belly button and I asked if she saw the baby, and she said yes. Very cute. By the way, she is the only person in the world I let look at my bare belly button at length! I tell her she can't see the baby but she can say "hi" to it. Today she waved hello and said, "hi baby". She said that the baby was playing in my shirt. This is very sweet, and I love watching her think and try to figure things out.

I started to wonder if this is irresponsible of me. What if something happens? When I was pregnant with Gregory she knew there was a baby in Holly's tummy. She talked about it one time after I lost him, but then sort of forgot about it. This time she is so much more aware. Maybe I am wrong to acknowledge her comments and interest or to have brought it up in the first place. I can't imagine having to explain it to her innocent mind if things don't work out.

But I guess it is too late. If anything, I am posting this detail on the blog to demonstrate that I am not 100% full of morbid negativity. I am afraid people think I am just so bitter and sarcastic that I refuse to put stock in this pregnancy. I am very worried about what could happen between now and September, but I am also trying my hardest to relax and trust that this baby will be healthy and born alive. The fact that I am happily discussing this baby with my favorite little girl should be testimony that I am making progress in terms of optimism.

Confession

2009-03-19T23:39:00.002-06:00

I am a terribly jealous person. It has always been one of my worst qualities, and now that I have dealt with infertility and the death of my baby, the envy has reached its peak. I KNOW it is a negative quality, and I KNOW that I should not think like this, but I can't help it. I am jealous of everyone for just about everything. I do not envy peoples clothes or homes or cars or any other material possession. I am jealous of all the big stuff, like people who spend more time with the people I want to be with, or people who get pregnant whenever they want to and other random situations that tug at my heartstrings. I don't know how to change this, because I can't really control how I feel. I just hope that as time goes on and I have a healthy Number 2 in my arms, the jealous feelings will ease up a bit. I hate feeling like this, and I have come to realize that some days are worse than others. I guess today was just a jealous day. Well, here's to tomorrow...

Focus

2009-03-18T11:32:00.002-06:00

Ouch. Today my pain is not related to Gregory's loss or my pregnancy anxiety. Without being too eloquent, I feel "crapped on". I am learning that it does not matter how wonderful your intentions are, there is no guarantee people will appreciate you. And no matter how much time and energy and love you invest in trying to provide opportunities and joy for others, you have no control over how they act or react. When you put a lot of trust into people, only to find out later that you were too generous with that trust, it is tough to deal with.

My feelings are very hurt, but I think today this has been a good reminder for me to focus on what is most important. I am trying not to dwell on how the actions of others hurt me. Instead I have been thinking about my two little ones... The one I miss dearly and the one I'm trying to protect. My little family is what matters most to me, and I am actually feeling peaceful when thinking about Gregory and Number 2. I can and should focus all of my thoughts on them. My time and energy and love will be more properly directed and satisfied if I am providing for my family, rather than people who could always end up surprising me in the end.

In addition to reminding me to focus on my little ones, I am also reminded how much I appreciate those people who deserve the trust I give them and who continue to make me smile.

Number 2

2009-03-16T22:38:00.002-06:00

Things are progressing just fine with this new little one. In 20 minutes I will officially be in the 2nd trimester. Most people breathe one big sigh of relief once they get to this point, but I know better. I'm more nervous about the 2nd and 3rd trimester than I was about the 1st. If Number 2 dies and is delivered early, I will have two 2nd trimester losses...or maybe I will have one 2nd trimester loss and one 3rd trimester loss - just to mix things up. It does happen, I'm just hoping that I can be one of the people who delivers a healthy rainbow baby at full term.

We bought a doppler and have been chasing Number 2 around in my belly trying to measure his or her (I think her) heartbeat. We have found it a couple times, and it is music to my ears. The last few days we haven't been able to find it. I was pretty nervous today at our 1st trimester screening, but the heartbeat was flickering away. Apparently we were searching WAY too low. The ultrasonographer was finding the goods much higher than we have been looking, so from now on I will get all lubed up and widen my search range.

I have had to fight with people at my doctors office and insurance company to get my appointments and testing figured out daily, and I still feel like I am the only one who knows what is going on. Nonetheless, we were able to get our NT test done today. The baby was moving all around, and we got to watch little legs and arms moving. With Gregory the only time we got to see this much movement was the night he was born. I will get the results of this test next week. I am meeting with different MFM doctors in 4 weeks and then will have my Level II ultrasound shortly after that. Hopefully we make it that far.

One thing that I have been absolutely HAPPY about...is a decision Bill and I have made about the baby's name. If we have a boy we decided that his middle name will be Gregory. Most middle names are chosen to honor family members and this is the best way to honor our first child. If Number 2 is a little boy, we can tell him all about his older brother and make him feel special to have that name. If Number 2 is a girl we have two names that we picked out years ago, and we just need to pick one. I go from strongly feeling this is a girl to not having any clue. It doesn't matter to me either way, I'm just happy to have a healthy (so far) baby.

Maybe Gregory is watching over his little brother or sister. That is a nice thought.

Alive

2009-03-15T23:32:00.003-06:00

I am here. I know people have been wondering all about me since my absence from the blog world. It has almost been a month since I have last posted. This is not because things have been happy and wonderful. I've been ridiculously busy and feeling like when it comes to Gregory, I am off in my own little world just hurting.

It has been six months since I held my baby boy and said goodbye to him. It feels like that it can't be possible to have been without him for half of a year. It also feels so silly that I can still be in this much pain. He has been gone now for longer than I was even pregnant with him. This says some amazing things about a mother's love because I miss that sweet face more than I can handle. Seriously, I can't believe that I am still sitting here, six months later, crying at my computer.

I have had lots to say and post about but not the time or motivation to do so. And strangely enough, I liked looking at my blog and seeing that my last post was made on February 20th, the day which should have been monumental for everyone in my world but now means something only to me.

I will answer all of your questions about my blogging resolutions and Number 2 soon, I promise. Today I'm missing my little boy.

It hits me like a ton of bricks. One second I am completely fine, and the next I'm hiding in the bathroom trying to cover up my tears and compose myself enough to slap on a smile for the people I am around.

You can expect more posts from me very soon because there is so much built up inside of me. For now, my mind is incapable of doing much more than weeping for the baby who should be in my house right now.

Due Date

2009-02-20T23:46:00.003-06:00

Today I have been missing my little boy. We should be celebrating his birthday, but instead we are mourning his death. I'm trying not to think about the details of life that I am missing out on right now, and it has helped me remember him more peacefully throughout the day than I imagined. I will post pictures and details about how we celebrated his memory later, but on this day that was supposed to belong to Gregory, I had to make a small post before the night was over. It is so hard to be a mother and not be able to do anything with and for your child. At least today I feel like it was still his day, even if he wasn't here to experience it with us. And if anyone beyond this Earth can possibly feel love from the people they left behind, there is no doubt in my mind that my son, Gregory, knows how loved and missed he is. I guess that is all I can ask for on this sad occasion.

story of my life

2009-02-18T13:07:00.004-06:00

We are just anxiously waiting. My hospital bags are packed. The car seat has been installed. We put the finishing touches on Gregory's nursery last week, and I did the last load of his laundry this morning. I thought last night might have been it, but the contractions fizzled out. We are just so excited to meet our little boy and are counting down the minutes!

Woooooops! Just kidding. That is not at ALL what is going on in my life right now. The details of my days are so unbearably opposite of that exciting first paragraph that I won't even waste my time typing out the REAL story of my life.

Sick and Tired

2009-02-13T18:44:00.002-06:00

Sick. Literally. Wednesday night I had a terrible fever all night. I am a naturally cold person, and my temps are usually lower than the "normal". Heat was radiating from my skin, and I was wiped out. I got a really deep cough that hurt my lungs. I went to the Walk-In clinic the next day. I have a prescription for safe drugs if it gets worse. It has. I have not even been anxious for the ultrasound. I've been so upset about this month being crappy and opposite of what it should be that I haven't worried as much about Number 2. That all flew out the window as I honestly stayed awake all night thinking that I was frying my baby. I know that prolonged fevers can cause a miscarriage, and I almost KNEW this was it. It wasn't. She is fine. I don't know that it is a girl, but lately I feel like it is so I thought I would test out the "she" word.

Tired. Everything I hear and see knocks me down. I knew this month would be hard but I had no idea how much EVERYTHING would hurt. I just want it to all go away. I'm tired of being THAT girl. I'm tired of feeling like every bit of news is a punch in the face. I know it is OLD news to everyone, now that it has been 5 months since I delivered Gregory, but to me that is my only news. And it is sad. And I hate who I have become. And I hate the way my mind and heart will forever be hurt by things that make other people happy. And I hate having to fear the worst when others can be so sure everything will work out...and knowing that it probably will for them and not for me.

I remember feeling bad that I was due in February because my niece was born in February and it would mean our kids would have birthdays close together. I know my sister didn't care, especially since she knew what we went through to get pregnant, but I felt bad. And now I'm ruining this month for myself and everyone because it isn't joyous for me. And I would give anything to be able to celebrate my kid's birthday no matter how close it is to my niece's. =(

Tired of being sick. And sick of being tired.

Jealous

2009-02-10T23:32:00.002-06:00

I have always been a jealous person, and based on the thoughts running through my head these days, I'm assuming that I always will. I am not materialistic. I don't care about designer clothing or expensive items. I am in love with my small house. I don't covet people's money or wardrobe or homes. But when it comes to what I really want, with all my heart, I am unbelievably jealous of how easily it comes to other people.

I have noticed that I'm getting fewer comments on my recent blog posts from deadbaby mamas. I completely understand the reasoning behind it and don't blame anyone for it. I just find it to be an interesting detail when I feel like I am hurting just as much as I always have. I was stupid to think that getting pregnant would make me "happy". It gives me something to look forward to and takes away the fear of infertility for the time being, but I'm still suffering.

It is so ironic, but when I say I understand how my pregnancy might bring pain to other deadbaby mamas...I REALLY understand. Not only did it hurt to hear about pregnancy/babies while I was trying to conceive (both times), but it STILL hurts! I don't want to admit this because it isn't very endearing, but I am still incredibly jealous of everyone who gets to choose when they have babies or have the ability to "accidentally" get pregnant. The only time I am not upset by it is when I hear about someone getting pregnant who has struggled or tried for a long time or has lost a child in the past. Otherwise, it still feels like a stab in the face when I hear about "normal" pregnancies that occur. On the "success after infertility," board I have read that many people still feel jealous when they hear about pregnancy coming easy for people and they HAVE their babies. Being pregnant does not mean that I am happy to talk about everyone's babies and baby making. It doesn't mean everything is "all good". It still hurts. I have been scarred for life both dealing with infertility, which so many women don't have to deal with, and then losing my baby. It isn't fair and even though I will start to enjoy life and will get to finally be a mother (some day)...I can see that this sentiment of jealousy is not going to go away. I'm jealous of everyone who hasn't been through what I've been through. And that is MOST people. =( I just am having trouble with the realization that not only did this pregnancy fail to "fix" things for me, but it hasn't changed my mind about the issues in a positive way either. And it is even HARDER for me to be happy for people now that I have added suffering loss, guilt and anxiety to the mix of my pain. That might not make a better person feel jealous, but there is nothing stopping me from feeling like I've been punched in the ear every time I hear about someone else simply expecting. I wish it was that simple. And, of course, I wish I didn't feel this way. But, you don't always get what you want (story of my life) and this is just another emotion for me to have to deal with.

Bah humbug

2009-02-09T23:30:00.002-06:00

This morning I kept waking up and then trying to force myself to go back to sleep. I wasn't super tired or even enjoying the sleep...I just didn't want to DEAL with life. I was laying in bed feeling sad, and it occurred to me that there are so many people who think I should be "over it" and who can't in a million years understand that I'm still broken. I started to think that maybe I shouldn't feel this sad. It just seems like if there are so many people who think I shouldn't be in pain...maybe I shouldn't. Am I being ridiculous? Or is this how everyone feels when they have a dead baby? I tried to talk myself into being more positive and trying to let go of some of the gripping pain. Then I remembered that other people complain about the silliest things and get very upset over trivial items. I certainly used to do that. I feel like I have a reason to feel so awful these days. And why should I feel like I'm doing something wrong just because I can't bring myself to smile?

I never resolved this internal argument. I just got up to experience another sad day. I am not doing well. I don't have the energy to post on my message boards and can't post all the things I want so badly to say there or here. I'm stressed. I'm sad. Saturday night I took a shower because I had to be at a game an hour later. I got out of the shower, sat on my bed, and sobbed all night. I couldn't even motivate myself to get dressed let alone be out in public. I was just so overcome with utter grief and there was no pushing it back that time.

I seem to have some happy moments every couple days, but no matter how great they are, they quickly get overshadowed by the pain. Yuck.

Stupid February

2009-02-05T14:17:00.003-06:00

I have so much to say but can't seem to get started. Every night I check the other deadbaby blogs and look for new comments on mine. I immediately think of something I want to post about but can't bring myself to click the "new post" button. I have no idea why.

Every time I look at the date on paper or it pops up on my phone, my heart stutters. I can't help but think about what I should be doing right now. I can't motivate myself to do something simple like keep up with my laundry because I am bitter that I'm not washing Gregory's clothes right now instead. There is nothing I can do at the moment that is as important or worthwhile as what I SHOULD be doing. I feel like a bad mother already to this new baby because I can't think positively and my heart is stuck on the little boy I should be meeting soon. And I feel like a bad mother to Gregory for not doing more to honor him. I've turned into a bump on a log and hate who I have become. I'm insecure and pathetic and jealous. I've always had these qualities to an extent, but grief has made them the most prominent characteristics for me these days.

I have a million things to say, but even if I used a million words, I wouldn't be able to describe how much it hurts to have a dead baby. I wish I could say things were looking up or that suffering is just a part of my past, but the grief is as fresh as if I delivered him yesterday. The tears are still only a blink away. My son is still at the front of all my thoughts. My heart is still utterly broken.

I hate that all of the posts on this page of my blog have something to do with Number 2. I don't want anyone thinking I am phasing out Gregory or that he isn't important to me anymore. If anything, I miss him more. I'm happy to be pregnant...but it hurts that Number 2 is NOT Gregory. Number 2 shouldn't even be a thought in my head at this point.

I was such an idiot to think that getting pregnant would take away the pain I'm in. I thought it would be the "cure-all" because the last two years getting pregnant was the one thing I've been focused on. Losing your child ruins the fun of being pregnant. I'm sure as time goes on, I will be able to relax and enjoy preparing for Number 2. For now, I hurt. I am ready for February to be over.

Sick

2009-02-02T15:59:00.004-06:00

So I definitely spoke too soon. I've been freaking out because I feel so different with this pregnancy and I'm not sick enough and blah blah blah. Well, I've been concentrating on every difference so often that I've failed to realize that I AM sick. I remember getting sick when I would brush my teeth last time and feeling yucky at times but this is constant. After I eat I feel better for about 10 minutes and then I am feeling nasty again. I can't think of anything that I want to eat. Or I think of something I want and then after I eat it I never want it again. I can't even put the toothbrush in my mouth this time, which is really nasty. I'm going to stock up on gum, but this is just no good.

Of course I appreciate being pregnant for the time being, and I'm happy to have symptoms. But I'm kicking myself for ignoring this the past few days and hoping it goes away in about 5 weeks!

So I would say that this pregnancy is, so far, very different. Worse in some ways already, better in others. Maybe there will be a better outcome down the road. Funny how life works out. I should be getting ready to deliver and bring my baby home and instead I'm stuck at the very beginning of an anxiety ridden pregnancy and feeling terrible physically, yet not as terrible as I feel emotionally.

All good in the baby hood

2009-01-29T18:28:00.002-06:00

Number 2 must have been playing his/her first game of hide and seek with mommy last week.

Today at 6w5d we saw a beautiful blob with a heartbeat at 121bpm which is great for how far along I am. I'm so excited to say that I AM pregnant. Now I just need to STAY pregnant.

I'm very bitter that I should be 37 weeks now instead of less than 7. But I am relieved to know that SO FAR...things are going well. I know how quickly things can change, but as of right now I am pregnant.

17 hours

2009-01-28T16:46:00.002-06:00

I got my appointment moved up to tomorrow at 9:45am. I feel so much better about this. I'm freaking out a bit more, but also relieved because I can make it another day! It doesn't seem like I will spontaneously combust due to the pressure of another 5 day wait.

I am relieved. And yet NOT relieved. Hopefully I will get to be the full definition of that word tomorrow morning.

Yikes

2009-01-27T11:58:00.003-06:00

I've graduated from having a severe case of Miscarriage Anxiety to having a mild case of Split Personality Disorder. I go from anxious and edgy...sitting on the edge of my seat, analyzing and freaking out about everything...to subdued. I am impatiently waiting, depressed and sad, not able to enjoy life while in limbo. I called and begged my RE to see me this Thursday instead of next Monday. It might not be possible, but the possibility of saving myself 3.5 days of worry and more depression was worth the begging. I should hear from the nurse soon.

I'm not bleeding, only cramping for short periods of time and do have SOME pregnancy symptoms. I would have these even if it turns out to be a Blighted Ovum...so I'm trying not to read too much into things. Unfortunately, my husband will tell you that "reading into things" is my most refined and practiced skill.

I appreciate everyone who is thinking positively for me, but I'm also tired of being told how I "should" feel and what I "should" focus on. In the same way that I have NO control over what happens to this baby or in my life...I cannot control how I feel. I am trying to be positive and adopt the "pregnant until proven otherwise" idea, but I'm failing. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to prepare myself for the worst scenario, and that puts a damper on trying to be excited for the best scenario. I need to just know the answer so I can stop concentrating on how I feel while I wait for the results...and instead can start to deal with the outcome. Hopefully that means celebrating.

Then there is the other minor detail that I am really missing the little boy who should be here with me. It seems so weird that I miss someone I only saw for one day and didn't really get to "know"...but I miss the moments we should be having together. And I'm grieving the loss of life I should be raising so soon. I think half the reason I have no motivation to do anything like fix up my house or work out...is because I am bitter that I am not getting to do things I was supposed to be doing at this point in my life. Even if that makes sense, I hate feeling so helpless and empty. I refuse to let the word EMPTY define my entire life, but there's no other way to feel while I'm waiting to see if Number 2 exists and is growing, or if I need to mourn his loss as well.

Holy Stress

2009-01-22T16:51:00.003-06:00

Nothing can just be easy.

Today at the appointment we saw a lovely empty sac. It was measuring on schedule, but there was definitely no Number 2 in there. My RE assured me that it could be too early to see anything. With Gregory we saw his heartbeat only one day ahead of where I am now. I knew not to expect to see a heartbeat because it is still early, but I was hoping to at least see the fetal pole or a tiny blob of a baby. I have not been released to my OB yet, and I go back in ten days for another ultrasound.

Yes I KNOW it could be too early... and Number 2 could just be playing his first game of hide and seek. OR it could be a blighted ovum. This happens when the baby stops developing and disintegrates but the body still thinks I'm pregnant so the sac continues to grow. I will find out at the next ultrasound if this is for real. I'm really irritated with my RE. He said he doesn't expect to see a heartbeat at this point and I should come back in. WHY did he schedule my ultrasound for today? All this does is make somebody who is already suffering Miscarriage Anxiety a million times worse. I cried in his office (I know he is used to the tears), but seriously...why do this to me? I wish he had just scheduled my first u/s for later so that I could continue to slightly worry about a general miscarriage instead of having a specific KIND of miscarriage to fear!

My lovely husband thinks this is no big deal and asked, "why would your body make a sac if there is no baby?" as a way to help comfort me. Well it DOES happen and we are talking about MY body here, so this kind of thing shouldn't be at all surprising..

This on top of several other life events has me stressed out to the max.

This blog is named Empty Arms. Maybe I will need to make another one named Empty Sac.

Jan. 20th

2009-01-20T23:39:00.002-06:00

What a day. I know that I will always remember this day. I will remember watching the inauguration on tv. I'll remember getting emotional and feeling the impact of how historical and eventful this day is. A new President and a refreshed sense of hope was on each person's mind, and it was hard to be anything but happy...hard but not impossible. I was thrilled to watch Obama take his oath, but there was someone else on my mind.

Gregory. I can't help but reflect on how different my life is supposed to be right now. I am supposed to be huge and pregnant and having my baby in only a few weeks! I am not supposed to be able to teach. I am supposed to be making my final purchases and packing my hospital bag. I should be putting the final touches on Gregory's bedroom and washing his clothes. My mom has temporarily moved in with us. She is in Gregory's room. It is working out fine, but I can't help but think about the change of events in my life since September. I didn't think about it as much when the room was "empty", but now that there is someone sleeping there, I can't help but long for the person who was SUPPOSED to sleep there. It doesn't help that my due date is approaching and instead of preparing for labor, I'm having flashbacks to how terrible that already was for me.

I am very thankful that I am pregnant. I'm still so sad over my loss that I can't imagine how much more this would hurt if I didn't have something to look forward to. Number 2 will never replace my first baby, and while I am happy to be pregnant, it makes me miss Gregory even more. I should be 35 weeks...and instead I have 35 weeks ahead of me. I wish I could be confident that I will have a living baby in my arms come September, but I have no such confidence. I know all too well what CAN happen. I am already having Miscarriage Anxiety. I made that disorder up but I have officially diagnosed myself with it. It just seems like it would be my luck to deal with a 1st trimester loss...or even worse.

I know people are frustrated with me because I'm even considering that this baby won't make it. Well, sorry folks. I will never have a care-free pregnancy and especially after just losing my first son. Of course I am trying to think positively, but my heart was ripped open in the worst way. It is being naturally defensive! The fact that people are surprised that I'm so worried about this, is just more proof that unless you have lost a child, you do not understand this pain.

I know people like to check in on my blog, and I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't been able to. First off, I'm still upset that there are people exploiting my life and reading about my pain who who have no business doing so. But I also don't have a ton of sadness to write about every day. I also don't have a ton of happiness to write about. I miss my son like crazy, and it hurts to think about what I SHOULD be doing right now. But I am happy to be pregnant. I feel like dancers and parents who I used to be close to now hate me. But I'm having a good time with the classes at the studio. I'm excited about Number 2. I'm also still so worried, so I feel like I'm in limbo!

I thought that once I tested positive for a pregnancy I would just be so overcome with joy that it would overshadow everything else. I was wrong. The roller coaster of emotions continues to run at full speed! I go from being very excited and giddy about Number 2 to freaking out about losing this pregnancy. I am not bleeding or cramping, but I also am not very sick. With Gregory I felt very sick in the beginning. I KNOW every pregnancy is different, but I also know I would feel better if I was sick all day long, but yet it is nice to not be sick! My feelings are all over the place. Sometimes I am feeling very positive and I even bought something for Number 2 already. And sometimes I cry over losing him/her...even though I have not lost him/her yet. I'm definitely still on a roller coaster...but one thing is for absolute sure. I will take THIS roller coaster ANY AND EVERY DAY over the other one, because on this one, even if it is brief...I feel joy and hope and excitement!

Mind your own business

2009-01-13T22:19:00.002-06:00

I heard some disturbing news tonight. Apparently a few people from my past read my blog and have decided to spread false information and ridicule my dance studio which they know nothing about.

I don't know how you got my blog address, because I certainly didn't give it to you. But if you have not spoken to me in years...you have no business reading my blog and talking about it with anyone else. Just because you used to dance for me doesn't mean you know anything about what is going on with my studio and you have no right to spread false information.

This blog is a reflection on the biggest tragedy of my life and is PERSONAL. If you have not been here to support me in the past years and you never even speak to me...then WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? That is just invasive and rude. If you actually cared, you'd have sent a card or answered my call when I tried to find out why you ditched my class and you certainly wouldn't go telling people that my studio is doing badly. Clearly you don't care, so you don't need to read about my personal life.

I guess I have no control over who reads this blog...and I'm tempted to stop writing, but this is MINE. Nobody has a right to discuss my pain or what I post about with people, especially if you aren't in my life anymore. And you certainly don't have a right to badmouth my studio. My company is doing an amazing job and the studio is more fun than I've had in a long time.

If you think you should be reading this, then TALK to me. Have a relationship/friendship with me. Come take class. If you want no part of my life then STOP READING.

Roller Coaster

2009-01-09T15:32:00.004-06:00

It seems like even when I have something to be happy about, I can't get off this psycho roller coaster of emotions! Nothing can just be easy! I tested NEGATIVE this morning on two FRER tests which are supposed to detect the slightest HCG. Of course I freaked out and had a crying fit and watched my world fall apart again. My dear hubby went to Walgreens at 6:30 this morning to get a digital and it said "pregnant" but I figured that could still mean my trigger level was going down. Surely I would be the freak of nature to keep trigger in their system 14 days past the shot.

It took us almost two hours to get to the RE because of the roads and I have been sooo tired. I got my blood drawn and, of course, have been freaking out since then.

I am officially PREGNANT! My beta was 68.6 which more than doubled from 23.2 less than 48 hours ago. My progesterone was over 40 still so things are looking great. I know everyone thinks this...but I already am so anxious and cannot WAIT to meet Number 2! I'm so happy. Thank you, everyone, for your positive vibes and prayers!

I will be at a big dance convention all weekend so I won't get to post again! The nurse will call me Monday to set up an ultrasound. I'll probably be back to post Sunday night!

I am happy

2009-01-08T23:35:00.004-06:00

I knew that title would catch peoples' attention because it is very NOT like the rest of my posts here. I am excited and relieved and thrilled and PREGNANT. We can't throw a party just yet...but here is the story of my week. In addition to my previous post (being sad without Gregory this January)...

I tested positive on Tuesday night with a FRER. I also got the digital to say "pregnant". My plan was to test on Wednesday but I was just feeling so yucky that I made a quick impulse decision to buy some tests. Since about 7DPiui I have been incredibly exhausted. I'm falling asleep before Bill and having a really hard time getting up in the mornings. I've also been really really emotional. I had cramping and lots of crying which was too early to be AF symptoms. I had a big dip in temps on 9DPiui, and then it shot back up the next day and has continued to rise.

Beta was 23.2 on Wednesday and progesterone was over 40. The nurse didn't celebrate with me, though, because she thinks they MIGHT be false positives due to the trigger. I am still getting positive tests and I am now 13 days past the trigger shot...so I'm hoping it should be out of my system. I go again tomorrow for follow up beta, and if my numbers are rising (please God) my happiness will continue!

Of course I am nervous and freaking out about this...but I'm also surprisingly positive. There certainly isn't enough trigger left in my system for all these symptoms I have. I'm soooo tired. I gagged when brushing my teeth last night (oh the memories) and I feel the nausea already. It is AWESOME! Then there is also the giant detail that I'm NOT bleeding. Today I should have gotten AF or at least spotting.

It WOULD be my luck to react abnormally to the trigger and to still have it in my system. My body likes to play tricks on me. I could very well get bad news tomorrow and instead of an entire year and more of joy it will have been a couple days. But, until I hear that bad news...I'm happy. Number 2 (this is what Billy and I have already nicknamed the baby) is due September 19th. This is a year after I delivered Gregory. It will mean I will have a little one for all the fun holidays next year and as Bill pointed out to me, it will bring JOY to the month of September.

I will post my beta results but could use all the prayers and positive thoughts you would like to send my way!

Woohooooo for Number 2!

Still Trucking

2009-01-07T16:29:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't posted in a long time. It isn't because I've taken a nice vacation or even because I've been too happy to post on my perpetuously sad blog. I'm tired. I'm worn out. My schedule has been packed with so much and I can barely think straight. And I hurt.

January is kicking my butt. Knowing that I'm supposed to have my little boy here only weeks from now and realizing AGAIN that I will never get to know him has pushed me over the edge. I am already forgetting what it felt like to hold him and I feel like I'm doing nothing to honor him anymore. For a while I was making his scrapbook, crafting things with his name on them, attending the Walk to Remember, etc. Now it seems like he is so far in the distant past. And I miss him. You might think I'm crazy, because I didn't get to know him much...but I honestly and truly miss him.

We've been dealing with cable/internet shortages and computer failures and outlet burn-outs and it is driving me nutty. Everytime my sweet husband fixes something or rigs something to work...another thing breaks. I never realized how addicted I've become to the internet until I was without it. I have felt so disconnnected from the world. I live for this blog, I need to check my message boards, and I must be able to search for things so I can obsess about my TTC efforts.

I can't believe that I'm coming so close to my due date. Every day I think about how I'm supposed to be pregnant and all the things I'm supposed to be doing to get ready for Gregory. Pretty soon...and for the rest of my life...I'll be thinking about how Gregory is supposed to be in my arms, part of the family picture, getting to know the family, etc. =(

I know that people don't understand how I feel or that I can still possibly be in pain...but it still sometimes surprises me. Everyone says that I HAVE to believe this year will be better, and that THEY are sure things will work out. Well, I don't HAVE to believe anything, and I know better than to assume things will work out. I don't consider having another kid "things working out". I want that more than anything...but that isn't going to erase any pain I have over losing Gregory. It certainly won't "make everything right" in my world. It will give me something to live for and hope for and allow me to be happy again. It will produce tears of joy and put the biggest smile on my face. But it won't convince me that this was meant to be or make me "get over" losing my sweet boy. I got a text message saying "I hope you had a super fun Christmas and a fabulous New Year." No I didn't. Why would anyone think that I would? At the same time I wish NOBODY would have to experience this type of loss, I do wish more people would understand.

The beginning of January has has hit me head on like a truck with a load of sad emotions and feelings. But I'm still trucking.

Happy New Year?

2009-01-01T23:19:00.002-06:00

No. I can't believe that I am STILL on this stupid emotional roller coaster. When will it end??? Last night Bill and I spent time with two of our favorite people. We had lots of fun. I smiled and laughed, and it felt like a great night. I was all excited to kick the crap out of 2008 and bring in the new year. I was starting to be hopeful that happiness would come my way soon or that surely it will be "my turn". I thought I would wake up feeling refreshed and renewed for 2009. There I go thinking again.

2008 is over. Good riddance. But that just means it is January. I am supposed to have my baby here NEXT month. I should be organizing things in Gregory's room which would be finished by now. I should be having my baby shower in the next couple weeks. I should be huge and uncomfortable and HAPPY. I don't want to be refreshed and renewed and have HOPE for the future. I want the life I was SUPPOSED to be living right now. I want my little boy in my belly kicking away. I want our family to be blessed with a new precious face only weeks from now. I WANT TO BE PREGNANT.

I have spent New Years Day not making changes to my life or making a list of things to accomplish this year...but crying. I can't shake the sadness I have spilling out of me - things should be SO different right now. This just proves that the end of one year and beginning of a new year does not promise to bring any changes for me. I'm still on the roller coaster I've been trying to get off of for months. I'm still overwhelmingly sad. I still go from up to down within a matter of minutes as evident by my fun evening last night and terrible following day. I don't think that 2009 will be better just because 2008 sucked. I don't think that there is a limit to my bad fortune. I don't think that I will finally receive happiness just to make up for the sadness I have been dealt. There is no end in sight. I see happiness brewing for so many other people, but none for myself.

I know that today's episodes have not only been the result of January creeping up on me. I am PMSing. Yep. This is how I feel 4-5 days right before I get my period. I cry over everything and I feel irritable and lonely. I recognize this, not from the cycle I got pregnant...but all the other ones where I ended up heartbroken and empty handed. Feeling all of this is terrible in itself, but realizing that I am feeling this and figuring out what that means is the worst. The naive voices in my head tell me to not give up yet but the voice in my heart knows better.

I have learned that bad things happen to good people. You don't get to become a parent just because you want it more than anything in the world. The length of a journey to motherhood is not based on how much love and devotion you plan to offer your child. And finally becoming pregnant does not mean you will finally have a baby in your arms. There are no guarantees, at least not for me. Hooray for everyone else, but I have zero confidence that this cycle is IT for me or that it might ever be IT for me again. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm glad I'm not naive. I'll continue to dream of motherhood, but I can't be stupid enough to try and put a date on anything anymore. A year from now I'd love to be holding a child and reflecting on how great 2009 was. But I won't be surprised if I'm still in this position...alone and sad and with empty arms.

All in the details

2008-12-29T00:04:00.002-06:00

I forgot to mention some of life's current details that have contributed to my stressful state of mind and ultimate pessimism.

When Bill and I went to the pharmacy to pick up the Human Chorionic Gonadotropin shot "fixins", the lady rang us up and asked us to pay $563.00. Yes. You read that right. I argued with her about the mistake that must have been made, and she didn't think I knew what I was talking about. That irritates me because I probably know more than she does about this. I called my nurse and handed my cell phone to the pharmacist who came to confirm that was the correct price. (Yes, I do have my RE and nurse on speed dial.) My nurse was trying to ask her what brand the HCG was and she read the label and said, "it's chorionic gonadotropin" like five times. DUH! She finally figured out what brand it was and started talking about a month supply. It was all very irritating, because clearly I only need one shot and that was all that came in the box she was trying to charge me half a grand for. My nurse talked her into changing the price and she found out the computer was charging per unit instead of per vial or something insane like that. It was $56.30. I paid it and said a quick prayer that I would never have to see that lady again.

Mixing the injection powder and separating the needles made it feel like we were running some kind of meth lab. Clearly I have no idea how to make drugs, but it didn't look right in our little house. I hope I don't have to do that again, although Billy did get to act like his idol Dr. Gregory House. Not quite the ideal role model in my opinion, but he does have a great name.

My IUI was scheduled 12 hours after trigger. I've been stressing about this detail since I heard this was the protocol. The only time I've ever heard of this is when people do back-to-back IUIs and they do them at 12 and 36 hours past trigger. For everyone who only has ONE chance, the IUI is normally scheduled for 24-36 hours past trigger because that is when it is PROVEN that ovulation occurs. Now I am freaking out that we did the IUI too early and that this cycle will fail.

To counter that, my BBT shot up on Saturday morning giving me reason to freak out about ovulating early. OPKs were negative and follicles hadn't ruptured as of Friday morning. But if I did ovulate early than our IUI was too late. My temp shot up more on Sunday so I'm hoping I ovulated on Saturday. No matter what, I'm not confident that things were timed perfectly. Instead I am afraid we were either too early or too late. Awesome.

Christmas is over. I am overwhelmingly happy about that. Unfortunately, we are still getting Christmas cards with happy family pictures wishing us "joy in the holidays". Today I opened up a card from Billy's college friend. He and his wife have a son named William. The last time we saw them was when he was 4 months old. We had a nice visit and talked on the car ride home about how that would be us soon. We were trying at the time. Now he is 2 years old and they announced in their letter that they have another one on the way. Of course. Lucky them. We also had some gifts brought to us from my out of town family. One was from my ex-step mom. It was a Willow Tree figurine titled "New Life". It is a man and woman holding a baby. It is beautiful, and I love it. BUT...either she knows our son died and wants to help us remember that he was with us for a short time. Or she doesn't know and sent the gift based on the fact that we should be about to give birth to "New Life". It is most likely the latter. =(

I am 10% relieved that the IUI is done and over with, but 90% stressed about all the details and the feeling of impending failure. I feel like this is all probably too much information for some people...but I also realize most people have stopped reading my blog. I have had someone very close to me just ask "are you guys going to try again to have another baby?" just confirming that the blog is not the communication outlet I thought it once was. This is good, I guess. I wish our journey to parenthood didn't have to be public. I wish it could be innocent and secretive. Those days are long gone and now I have to deal with the fact that everyone knows why I hurt and what I want...and these days... what we are going through to get there. I'm just going to assume that the people who read this blog are the people who love me and who can handle the sound of our struggles and pain.

Stressfully Inseminated

2008-12-27T22:00:00.004-06:00

When I decided I wanted to be a mother (15 yrs ago) and then when we decided it was TIME to be a mother...I did NOT imagine the STRESS involved.

Weren't we all scared into thinking that anything even close to sex would immediately result in a pregnancy and the ruin of our lives? If only it was that easy. Well, I do realize it IS that easy for some people, but since I can't agree that those people are all more deserving of a child than I am...I try to pretend they don't exist.

It is NOT easy to get pregnant. And it is NOT easy to be pregnant. And it is NOT easy to stay pregnant. I wish I could have a carefree attitude and accept whatever happens when it is "meant to be," but that is certainly not my personality. I'm doomed to stress.

Follicle scan showed two mature follies on my right side (unblocked tube). One was 21mm and one was slightly smaller on Wednesday. On Friday they were bigger so I triggered that night. There is nothing more romantic than your husband stabbing HCG into your butt muscles. We left the house at 6:15am for a quick but painful IUI. Now we wait. I am RELIEVED that the past bunch of stressful days are over, and there is nothing I can do now to alter my results. But I am not optimistic. I just know this will not work. There is no part of me that expects to be happy in a few weeks. I hope I'm wrong.

MERRY Christmas?

2008-12-25T22:47:00.003-06:00

I say, "Merry Christmas?" in the exact sarcastic tone that Will Ferrell says "I'M Ron Burgundy?" in Anchorman when a question mark is mistakenly placed on the teleprompter.

It IS a question. Christmas? Yes. Merry? NO. Did anyone expect it to be? I heard this phrase a hundred times the past few days. I understand this is typical jargon for Dec. 24th-25th...but it seems so ridiculous, and I could NOT figure out how to respond. I'm pretty sure I mumbled a quiet and awkward "yeah" to everyone expecting a reply. But, seriously?

Being told I lost weight when I should be 32 weeks pregnant - does not = Merry Christmas.

Talking about the weather, the studio, the food...everything...but not a single sentence about my baby boy - does not = Merry Christmas.

Watching everyone fawn over my niece, the "only" grandchild and knowing that Gregory will NEVER receive that same love or experience the same relationships does not = Merry Christmas.

Remembering my child's stillborn body, pondering what SHOULD be happening in my life right now and not having any answers to WHY this is the story of my life - does not = Merry Christmas.

I refuse to make any silly promises to myself that 2009 will be better and/or that NEXT Christmas I will be happy. On the one hand, can things get worse? This is the 3rd Christmas I spend sadly dreaming of what Dec. 25th would be like through the eyes of the child I've been trying for. On the other hand, yes, if it CAN get worse, my luck means it WILL, and perhaps the world will get a kick out of watching me struggle and sob and break down throughout another year. I am left with grief and pain and a complete lack of confidence that happiness will come my way anytime soon. Merry Christmas?

Spoke to soon

2008-12-22T23:00:00.003-06:00

I was talking to my sister today about life and noticed I was making lots of interesting remarks like, "I've learned..." and "I'm starting to realize..." and other statements that resembled a new form of acceptance. I was even going so far as to say that certain things don't bother me anymore.

She bought it, and I almost did. But holy crap did I make a liar of myself!

I am bitter. I could write for hours and still not express how unfair this is. I just want to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I don't swear out loud, but I certainly curse this situation in my head. I hate to be all "whoa is me" because I realize things could be worse...but what the heck did I do to deserve this? I am SUPPOSED to be pregnant right now! I'm supposed to be actually celebrating Christmas this week in all my 32 weeks of glory. I'm supposed to be getting ready to meet my little boy, not looking at the only pictures of him I will ever have. I can't believe Christmas is two days from now. I am dreading it so much and want to just spend the week in bed and pretend this holiday doesn't exist. I'm trying not to be selfish, but this is ridiculous. Bill is at the Bears game tonight with a co-worker whose wife is pregnant. He's going to come home to a wife who is sobbing and infertile. I can barely even stand to keep up with my message board friends anymore. People who tried to conceive for a LONG time with me are giving birth to their babies now! And I STILL HAVE NOTHING. It's hard to read all the posts about infant care and all the Christmas traditions with the little ones when I am sooo far away from all of it.

I was talking today about how I don't care about all the innocence being taken away from me as long as I get to have a living child. I do feel that way, but why is it so much to ask to get to experience things like a normal woman? I will never "enjoy" pregnancy the way I expected to, and I will never stop worrying or take a single day for granted. I don't get to keep our baby making efforts a secret, and I won't have people naively excited about our pregnancy IF we ever even get pregnant again. Our focus will be on NOT going into premature labor rather than all the innocent stuff a first time mom should get to focus on.

I didn't WANT to have my first baby in 2009 or beyond. And I CERTAINLY didn't think I'd be trying for my SECOND BABY right now. I WANTED this so freaking long ago. And then I FINALLY had an end in sight. I was DUE in February and would finally get a little one in my arms. WHAT THE HECK? I didn't WANT to have my baby the same time other people would be having their babies. I didn't WANT to be TRYING to conceive for the third Christmas in a row! I didn't WANT to be the last one standing in my message board groups and still WAITING while people move on to their NEXT babies. I know it is unrealistic to think I could ever get what I want...but other people DO get to DECIDE when and how they have their babies and it is as easy as that. WHY NOT ME? I must be living my life wrong in some way. I must be doing something negative to not deserve what nearly every other WOMAN in the world gets. I think there should be a written rule that NOBODY who ever deals with infertility should ever lose their babies. AND...I still stand by my claim that people should have to pass tests to become parents. If they fail, their "optimal fertility" should be passed onto someone who wants a child more than anything. I know this sounds incredibly far fetched, but at one time delivering a dead baby seemed like a world away from me, and I now realize ANYTHING is possible.

I am using a lot of capital letters, but it is because I AM screaming inside. I can't stand this. How dare I think I was alright with the hand that has been dealt to me? It is NOT alright. It is NOT fair. I am bitter, and no amount of reason or logic can remove this dark hostility from me. I guess I spoke too soon. =(

Mission Accomplished

2008-12-21T12:46:00.003-06:00

Last night my studio (Passion Dance Project) had its first recital. The show was great and the kids all performed wonderfully. The only glitches were actually caused by the sound booth/curtain people and not our students. Also, the photographers at the dress rehearsal said our kids were the most well behaved he has seen. I'm proud of them for that and for putting on such a great show.

I was reminded of how many people care about me. My wonderful family was there to help run the dress rehearsal and show as well as a couple college dance friends. Everything was so easy because we had lots of help. I'm lucky to have these people in my life and also all the people who came to watch the show. It is easy to hurt, because I have a reason to hurt, but it is also easy to remember that I'm fortunate in many ways.

I love all my dance parents and I'm so happy to be adding more families to the mix.

I feel very "accomplished" because the show is over. It is also bittersweet. Bill and I were originally planning to go to Florida and have a relaxing vacation before January. I was supposed to be DONE teaching. Subs were going to take over my classes in January so I could have my baby and be home with him. None of that is happening. We have vacation time with no baby to prepare for. I will be teaching again in a few weeks because I'm not pregnant. And the talk of the town on Christmas will certainly not be baby related. This is NOT how things were supposed to be.

Yesterday I had a beautiful young lady dance a piece about Gregory. She did a great job and it was very well received. I'm so glad I got the chance to do this...but at the same time...I would much rather give her a HAPPY solo to perform. I shouldn't HAVE a reason to create this dance, and it isn't fair. I will not get over the injustice of this whole situation. But, since it cannot be undone - I am proud of the dance and will figure out a way to post it on this blog.

Creating a great show with happy dancing kids - Mission Accomplished. Honoring my beautiful little boy - Mission Accomplished.